Elfen Lied: Interruption
by cartoonpsycho888999
Summary: Chaos ensues when I, being the egotistical prick I am, decide to insert myself into two years after the series.
1. Chapter 1

Elfen Lied: The Interruption

_**Author's Note: This is actually a story I'm going to finish. I'm going to trash all my other stories and focus solely on this one. Why? I'm an egotistical prick. This is a self insert story, and as far as self insert stories go, I find the majority of them to be rather self-glorifying or having a tendency to present the author in an omnipotent light. Well, all ye who art jaded, this story is going to portray me as....well, me. It's going to take into account all my mental and physical shortcomings, and most of all, it's going to portray me in a rather unflattering and honest light- I actually DO have insomnia, OCD, Bipolar and general anxiety problems, and the characters will treat me accordingly, and I also actually do practice the talents I mention in the story. Also, read this well: I DO NOT ACTUALLY MINOR IN JAPANESE LINGUISTICS. IT'S JUST A CONVENIENT PLOT DEVICE .**_

_**I have no idea where this is going to go, as I'm improvising the whole thing, ergo the plot might be a little muddy and 'slice of life' at first, but I'll find a way to drive everyone into absurdist comic hell at the nearest possible chance. Also, a little disclaimer: If you want to flame me, be aware that trolling a seasoned troll who is a second year minor in philosophy (currently digging metaphysics and nihilist philosophy-the latter is mostly self taught) and a specialist in psychology isn't the smartest thing to do. I WILL tear you apart. Another little thing before we move on- I will be giving this thing a 'teen' rating, because I feel that the majority of you have the maturity to accept the fact that swear words exist as a necessary meme in modern literature (unlike a certain user called dataseeker.) and won't find it imperative to bother me with your whiny grade two tattletale idiocies. **_

_**Now that it's all said and done, let's get on to the fucking story, bitch cakes. **_

I arrived at Kamakura at about eight o'clock pm. It was a rather rainy night- the rain pissed me off to no end as I endlessly drummed my fingers in a rather neurotic fashion against the window. I liked the window seat. It made for a good distraction during the flight when I imagined people flying out of the doors and into the turbines. I was already on my fifth cup of coffee, beginnings of pimples on my forehead were beginning to glow rather angrily.

A kid right next to me was whining about purchasing Transformers. My fingers drummed even faster. A little bit of coffee split on my worn black t-shirt. A trip as an exchange student to Japan might not have been such a good idea. However, with my minor being Japanese, I thought it would be an enriching experience and a nice way to spend my summer.

It seemed a good idea at the time.

The plane ride took a little more than twenty hours in total, during which I simply played with my DS, listened to droning raw black metal, and occasionally gave annoying little children piercing glances.

I was totally spaced out, as my insomnia had been plaguing me for the past week or so. My senses were heightened to an absurd level, and I began to show extreme paranoia, anxiety, and annoying fleeting thoughts in my head. I ordered another shot of expresso from the stewardess.

It was probably not the best state to be in when I met my host family, but I wasn't one for making good first impressions.

My cellphone rang.

I picked it up with trembling hands and said in an unnecessarily harsh voice, '_Hello?'_

'Oh hello, this is Yuka....you know, from Kaede house? '

'_Oh.'_ I bit the inside of my mouth, drawing blood. Was there going to be some kind of delay? I clenched my fists and waited for the right opportunity to say something snarky.

'Just checking to see if everything was all right.' Her tone carried a note of dejection, as if she noticed the edge in my voice. However, I was given to being rather self conscious.

'Oh....' I spaced out for a moment, 'Everything's _peachy.'_

'Excellent!' She chirped, 'We'll be the ones with the rabbit head shaped sign- it will say 'Kaede' on it.'

'How charming.' I said in a deadpan tone. I quickly corrected myself. It wouldn't do me any good to get off on the wrong foot, 'I mean, thank you.' I said the last bit with a slight waver in my voice.

'No problem!' Yuka said in that maddeningly bright tone of hers, 'We'll look forward to meeting you at the airport!'

'I'm sure you will.'

'Pardon?'

' Same here!' I blurted in a perfect mimicry of her voice.

'Sir, I'm afraid we're going to have to get you to turn off your cell phone.' The stewardess chirped, as if copying my copy of Yuka's voice.

I closed my cell phone and glared at the stewardess with bloodshot eyes.

'_There._ You're happy bitch?' I snapped.

She backed away a little and said in a self righteous tone, 'Sir, there's no need for that kind of language.'

I sank back in my seat and toyed with my ipod, sulking and muttering to myself in tongues.

The airport smelled of old leather and meticulously bleached floor tiles. I immediately caught sight of the cardboard bunny. It looked extremely well cut out.

A girl of middling height and brown hair was waving to me. I guessed it was Yuka, judging from her hyperactive disposition. A guy of around my age was sombrely standing next to her, looking at nowhere in particular. He had matted black hair and a fashion sense that literally _screamed _unkempt otaku. Two _pink haired _girls were with them also. One of them looked rather waifish and around fifteen or sixteen, with large _red _eyes that stared down shyly at the floor. The other was obviously in a relationship of sorts with the guy my age, judging from their distance between each other. _She _was rather tall, at least compared to the guy. She was stunningly beautiful, but in my /b/ tard wisdom, I would _not _hit that, because she carried a murderous gleam in her eyes that said, '_If you touch me, I will rip off your penis and stuff it in your ass.'_ Her face was literally emotionless and unreadable, even to me.

I groaned inwardly at the prospect of having nothing to work with in my glorious psychological over-analysis. My eyes wandered over to a fifteen year old-ish girl with long flowing black hair. She carried a yapping little dog in her arms. Apparently his name was 'Wanta', if I were to extrapolate from her barely audible chides.

Yuka was waving her arms like a teletubby on crack. I felt the immense need to throw something at her.

I sauntered over in my insomniac shuffle and held out my hand with a half formed smile on my face, '_Hello,_ my name is Richard. I'm guessing you are Yuka, right?'

She glanced at my hand for a split second, then realized that this was the way of the baka foreigners. She took my hand and shook it. Her palms were cold. I assumed she was on a diet.

'And you are?'

'Kouta. Pleased to meet you.' He bowed a little bit and took my hand with a weak and slightly unsteady grip.

'Lucy.' The tall pink haired girl with ribbons in her hair said in a flat voice. She offered nothing more.

'Nana!' The smaller of the two pinkers said in a voice reminiscent of a rookie female seiyuu, 'Pleased to make your acquaintance!' She grasped my offered hand with a death grip and shook it with a little too much enthusiasm. Perhaps she had some kind of anxiety disorder like me?

The girl with long black hair met my gaze rather shyly, 'Mayu.' She said in almost a whisper, not even bothering to shake my hand as she clutched her little dog closer to her chest, 'This is Wanta.'

I forced myself to smile. What a motley crew I had for a host family. I thought at the very least that it would be a normal family structure, but apparently there was some kind of strong surrogate dynamic going on with the group.

'_Well, _what are we waiting for?' Yuka harped, 'Let's get going! We have a lot of welcome surprises for you back home!'

And with that, I found myself sitting in a cramped taxi smelling of expired lemon air freshener and misery heading for a destination half an hour away. The insomnia was causing me a great bout of constipation, and my face showed it.

I farted.

Lucy smirked in a rather disturbing way.

_Something _moved around in my colon and caused my long restrained bowels to let loose, causing a monster log of a shit to spew forth from my ass and onto ratty leather seats.

'_OHhhhh, what _stinks!?' Nana wailed.

My face turned beet red. I could have _sworn _something was massaging my insides. Was it some kind of previously unknown parasite that acted like something with opposable thumbs _grabbing _your innards?

I stuttered and said in a basso voice I picked up from Jabba the Hutt, '_Sorry.'_

Yuka looked just as embarrassed as me, 'We'll-we'll clean it up when we get there....'

She apologized profusely to the fat cab driver, who was lamenting in hyper speed Japanese about his soiled cab. She even offered to pay a sizeable amount to compensate for my accident. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. My underwear just felt warm.

I looked at cold-fish-Lucy for a response. She raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a knowing little hint of a smile.

It would have been sexy in any other circumstance, but for now, it just elicited a sharp, '_What!?'_ from me.

'Nothing.' She said in a lilting and slightly husky voice.

I felt the intense need to punch her in the face.

Kouta had his face in the palm of his hands, as if sorely disappointed in something.

Mayu's face was a little green. She furtively rolled down the window and threw up outside.

What a mess.

After a sordid little cleanup session in the taxi, and a change of clothes, I appeared at the dining room dressed in flowery Hawaiian shorts and yet another plain black t-shirt. The 'house' was previously traditional Japanese restaurant, but was apparently closed down due to the head chef dying of blowfish poisoning. The rent was rather cheap due to superstitions about said chef haunting the joint, ergo Yuka choosing it for her 'family's' dwelling. It somehow exceeded my expectations in that the rice paper windows were actually made of frosted glass, and that the floor was laminated, a task which I had an inkling Yuka forced the rest of the 'family' to carry out.

It was kind of an awkward atmosphere, for I had received a stuffed Jigglypuff and an authentic Japanese fan from 'everyone', a special dinner was made for my arrival, but the taxi incident still weighed itself over everybody. They all tried hard not to look me in the eye as they silently devoured their rice. Thankfully, Yuka decided to break the silence, 'So, what _are _you studying back in Canada?'

I cleared my throat, 'Well, I'm doing a specialist program in psychology and a minor in Japanese and linguistics. I'm trying to get some extra credits in the summer....' My voice faded off as Lucy's piercing eyes bored into mine.

'That's so cool!' Nana said overenthusiastically, 'Where are you going to school?'

'Erm....University of Toronto? Scarborough campus?' I cleared my throat once again. My balls were itchy. Lucy kept staring at me.

Kouta was still picking at his food, preferring not to join in the conversation. I guessed he was quite the loner at school.

I decided to take charge, 'So, Yuka....what are you studying?'

'Molecular Biology.' She said with a hint of pride, 'Kouta's _double _majoring in Evolutionary Biology and Chemistry! Isn't that right?'

'I guess.' Kouta said in a barely audible mumble, 'Course load's a bitch though. I've got summer courses this year, and Yuka's forcing me into it....' His mumble trailed off into a blur as his sentence disintegrated. Yuka shot him a death glare.

'I see.' My occasional hyperactive state suddenly kicked in right at that particular moment for some odd reason. I decided to take the conversation into the high road, 'Huh, _tell _me about it.' I blabbered in a caffeine fuelled jabber. I fiddled with my chopsticks, ' You _know, _they say that psychology is the poor man's science- you know, a _soft _science, not a hard one. I really admire people with the mental capacity to take those _uber _courses like you guys do.' My mood was suddenly brightened. Thank you bipolar.

Yuka blushed. Kouta allowed a hint of a smile to crawl into his face. A grain of rice was stuck to his chin. I farted. Lucy giggled ever so slightly for the first time. I was slightly less afraid of her.

She started to stare at me again, causing me to proverbially piss my pants.

'Why _thank _you!' Yuka grabbed a piece of roast fish with a skilful snap of her chopsticks , 'So, what are you planning to _do _when you leave university?'

'Become a shrink most likely.' I blubbered, 'Maybe a Freudian psychoanalyst, or maybe a Gestalt therapist. I might even take some pharmaceutical courses so I can become a psychiatrist. Who knows? The doors are a-plenty. I _wanted _to become an artist, but you know what they say- the arts don't really pay the bills. A writer was another one of my choices, but.... ' I licked my lips nervously. My caffeine fuelled rant was starting to roll off into the annoying side.

'But enough about _me, _Lucy, what are _you _taking?'

Kouta suddenly cut into the conversation, 'Yuka, can you pass the teriyaki chicken?'

Lucy kept on staring into my eyes. Her voice suddenly became rather frigid, 'It's none of your concern.'

I was quite taken aback. I spun my chopsticks around my thumbs again and again, 'Ah. So, erm....okay....'

I diverted my attention to Nana, 'What are you-

'Let's talk about something _else, _shall we?' Yuka said rather strangely, 'Mayu, tell him about your writing.'

Mayu's lower lip trembled a little bit. She cuddled the smothered and rather uncomfortable looking dog even tighter, 'W-well....I mostly write fiction, r-romantic fiction and some...erm...fan fiction.' She looked down at her lap and forced her lower lip to stop its jiggle.

'Oh, I see.' I was just waiting for the right moment to continue my rant, 'That's _cool!' _I might have said it a little too loudly, 'I mean. Romance is quite hard to write without sounding cheesy and all that jazz. I mostly write horror, comedy, and science fiction. Quite the nerd, right? Hehe....this is completely off topic, but I draw some of my jokes from...._internet _memes! Can you believe it? Fucking _internet _memes! I don't believe any of you are familiar with 4-chan are you?'

Kouta's eyes suddenly brightened up from its previous feverish state, 'Oh, _you're _a b-tard too?'

'Oh. My. God.' I said in my best impression of a gay voice, 'Give me fucking five.' I leaned over the table and high fived him. His voice rose two pitches, '_Nevar _forget!'

'Nevar!' I pumped my fist in the air.

'I assume that you two are talking about that horrible board Kouta always frequents.' Yuka said with a roll of her eyes, 'The spin-offs of that board are quite disgusting....'

'Yeah, like _guro _chan!'

A dead silence fell over the room. Nana's face turned sheet white.

'Erm. Nana's a bit, erm....' Kouta said in a wavering voice.

'Oh, I'm sorry.' I bit my cheek in embarrassment and made it bleed. 'I didn't realize-

'Don't worry about it.' Nana said in a small voice, 'The amputee stuff on there....' The amputee section drifted off into a blur of incoherent mumblings. I knew it. My caffeine fuelled rant got me into trouble once again. I felt a burp coming on. I suppressed it.

The dead silence continued.

'I think it's time we got ready for bed!' Yuka said in her usual icebreaker tone, 'Erm. Richard....you don't mind sharing a room with Nana, do you? It's the only room with a spare futon....'

'Don't worry about it.' I neglected to mention my insomnia, 'I'll just unpack my stuff there right now....'

I lugged my suitcases into towards nowhere in particular.

'Um, _where _is the room?'

'It's right beside you.'

'Oh.'

An evil little voice in my head told me to search up amputee stuff on my laptop and scare the living shit out of Nana by placing an enlarged picture next to her head.

I shook my head violently. Maybe a cold shower would do me good.

'I guess I'll just take a shower.'

'Excellent! I'll take it with you!' Nana chirped rather abruptly.

I almost choked on my own tongue, '_What?'_

Yuka covered Nana's mouth, 'Nothing! It was....nothing....' Nana's eyes darted around the room questioningly and met my gaze with a '_What can you do?'_ Sort of look.

'I'll be off now....' I slid open the door and slunk inside, trying to comprehend what just happened.

I tried to continue my fan fiction on my Toshiba laptop, but was bothered by many questions that I felt would be best answered by the ditzy pink haired girl currently entranced by my DS.

She groaned rather loudly in frustration again when Mario got fucked over by a cactus, her outburst followed by a squeaky dejected, '_Why!?'_. I could not help but snigger a little bit. She obviously had quite a child-like mentality- a level slightly below ditzy and dipping into a tad bit retarded.

'So, uhh.....' I scooted closer to her, ' Can you tell me why Lucy's so.....uptight about everything?'

Nana's striking red eyes fluttered a little, 'She's quite the character. Once you get to know her, she's okay though....let's just say our relationship's a little bit complicated....'

My /b/ tard mind quickly jumped to a yuri subtext, quickly snapped back when I felt a tingle in my trousers.

'How is it complicated?' I asked as innocently as possible.

' Well for starters....' Her eyes drifted off into space, 'She ignores me most of the time, but when we _do _get together....'

I could have sworn steam was puffing out of my nose. The yuri meter was going through the _roof._

'Some things are better left unsaid.' She said after a period of contemplation, 'Thanks for letting me play your DS....I'm _swear _I'm going to beat World 5 tomorrow!'

She switched off the light, 'Nighty night!' She flopped down on her futon and turned the other way.

I turned off my laptop and prepared myself for a night of staring at the ceiling and wandering around in the kitchen. I turned to look at Nana.

Her neko ears were still on. She was humming ever so quietly to herself.

'Aren't you going to....take off those cat ears? '

Nana's body seemed to visibly stiffen. She stopped humming.

'Never mind then.' I glared at the closet with killing intent and thought to myself, '_What a fucking weird bunch of people....this is going to be long three months....'_

I stumbled out of the room at 6 am in the morning. I decided on a barefoot morning run. The spiky gravel should stimulate my nerves enough for the rest of the day, along with a pot of black coffee. My status as a cross country MVP had to be kept. My lungs felt like that of a chipmunk as I quickly scrawled a note and slapped it on the door.

A cool breeze greeted me outside.

Lucy was standing on the doormat, warming up for what was apparently _her _own morning run.

I decided to go into overly cheery mode. Who knew? Maybe she was a morning person.

'Hey there!' I started to jog on the spot.

Her head turned around slowly like a well oiled machine, '_What?'_ She demanded in a low voice.

My stomach sank. I felt like a jester with a drooping hat.

'You're going running too? What a coincidence! Do you mind if I follow you?' I bit the inside of my cheek again. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

Lucy shrugged, 'Knock yourself out, human.'

I was dazed for several seconds, trying to explore the context of her statement, 'Erm. Excuse me?'

'Never mind.' She stretched out her ghastly white calves. She owned a pair of Nike Frees.

Lucy glanced at my gnarled feet, 'Are you _actually _going to run barefoot?'

'Yeah....it promotes good running form, and I have bad knees....' I clicked them to demonstrate.

'I see. Running like the dirty ape human you are....'

'What?'

'Fuck it. Let's run.'

In a nimble and almost superhuman display of agility and coordination, she did a _front flip _off of the staircase and started to go at an impossibly fast pace.

'WAIT!' I almost screeched.

'_So, parkour's the way she wants to play it eh? Two can play at this....'_

I did a side somersault off of the middle of the stairs (I knew my own limits.) and darted off after her.

The ensuing _torture _was almost unbearable. The pink haired sociopath seemed to possess unlimited stamina and explosiveness, leaping and flipping over obstacles with no apparent effort. I gave up on my fourth flip over random garbage cans due to a stubbed toe. My lactic acid threshold was at its limit.

At about the fifth kilometre, I stopped and collapsed on my knees one hundred meters behind her.

'Stop....stop.....' I huffed, panted, and threw up stomach acid and coffee on the floor, 'Can we take a rest?' I stumbled and leaned against a railing.

Lucy skipped to a stop and looked at her watch. I was surprised she had the manners to walk back to me.

'Fourteen fifty nine.' She said triumphantly. I was kind of relieved to find her panting uncontrollably.

'_Good. She's still human....'_

I laughed weakly, 'Are you an ace runner or _what?'_

'Not really.' She stretched out her arms and rotated her neck, 'I just do this for fun.'

'Are you freaking serious? You're a _monster.'_

Whatever brightness was previously present in her eyes quickly dissipated as her face darkened into a feral mask of hatred. Her body stiffened, '_What...._did you say?'

'Uhhh....' I decided that the inside of my cheeks had taken enough abuse.

'I _said, _WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY!?' She grabbed me by the collar and shook me.

'I said....' I gulped, 'I said you're a monster?' I gave a frightened little yelp that sounded like a terrier.

Lucy's death grip on my sweat drenched t-shirt loosened after a few seconds. She muttered several calming mantras to herself before taking in several deep breaths and finally letting me go.

'Just...don't say that _ever _again.' Lucy breathed, 'I'm kind of...._averse_ to that word....'

'Bad childhood?' I wanted to punch myself in the face. The words just couldn't stop rolling off my tongue.

'You _could _say that.' Lucy said, glancing away from me, 'Let's walk home. Your human body probably couldn't take anymore....'

She turned around and walked off.

I stood there, still trying to figure out _why _she called me human.

'Are you coming or not?'

I managed a small, 'uh huh.' And followed her.

To my utter surprise, she actually _complimented _me, 'You know, your physical condition's not too shabby for a human. Do you train a lot?'

'You _bet.'_ I was grateful for a conversational opening, 'I run almost _every _day.'

'That's good to hear. Running helps you take your mind off things.'

' I heartily concur.'

We walked for several minutes without a single word.

My curiosity got the better of me, 'I'm just wondering....can you tell me _why _you call me a _human?'_

Lucy stayed silent for a moment, and then to my surprise, laughed, 'It's just a personality quirk.'

I could tell that that was total and utter bullshit, but I decided not to pry anymore.

'I just have a superiority complex, that's all.' She said jokingly.

Lucy's persona was growing stranger by the moment. She was cold, rude, strange, and rather inconsistent. I could tell she was constantly wrestling for control from _something _inside the darkest corner of her mind. Schizophrenia? Disassociative Personality Disorder? I wouldn't have been too surprised if she suffered from some advanced form of dementia either.

'I know I was....rather _rude _to you at first.' It seemed one of her good personalities was rearing its head.

'It's nothing.' I said quickly.

'No, I'm actually sorry.' Her previously cold and homicidal eyes were _completely _changed. They now looked like a pair of apologetic, '_What can you do, my other half was in control'_ eyes.

'It's okay?' I was never too good at this kind of thing.

'In response to your previous question, I'm homeschooled due to....mental handicaps.'

I knew it. One point for Doctor Richard.

'Don't worry about it. I'm bipolar and OCD positive. Not HIV positive, mind you.'

Lucy allowed herself a harsh little guffaw, 'I can tell, the way your mouth always runs itself.'

I was almost afraid to carry on the conversation. It was quite clear she was _very _unstable.

'Sorry. That was a little harsh. I'm like that.' Lucy apologized yet again.

'No harm done.'

'What school do you attend again?'

'U of T. University of Toronto.'

'I would like to go to North America someday.'

'Canada's a cold wasteland. Take it from me. The winters there are _harsh.'_

'I might like it there then.'

It took me a while to get the self depreciating humour, '_Oh. _I get it.'

Lucy gave another one of her trademark harsh snorts, 'Damn. I gotta work on my sense of humour.'

'Laughter's the best medicine.'

'I wish it were true.' Lucy sighed.

'So are you like this with everyone?'

' What do you mean? Cold and nasty?'

'Erm....yeah.'

'It's a defense mechanism. I've mellowed out a bit though. You should have seen me two years ago. You couldn't even _talk _to me.'

'How bad was it?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, your handicap?'

Lucy gave yet another one of her harsh laughs, 'If you _really _have to know, I had a split personality back then. Being the shrink that you are, you diagnose me.'

'Disassociative Personality Disorder?'

'Correct.' Lucy rolled her eyes at some kind of ridiculous memory, 'It was this....retarded child-like personality called _Nyuu._ I got rid of her when Kouta came back into my life.'

'So you two _are _in a relationship.'

'Yup.'

'Childhood sweetheart?'

Lucy smiled bitterly, 'You could say that. _He _gave me a reason to live._'_

'He's pretty important to you then, eh?'

'Kouta loves me, and I love him.' She said with stony deliberation, 'No matter _what _he does, I'll always love him.'

My mind screamed stalker level obsession. She was obviously the clingy and needy type.

My tongue slipped again.

'Does he share the same sentiment though?'

I literally tore a chunk off the insides of my cheek. I tasted blood and a giblet of flesh.

Lucy glared at me like I said something blasphemous, 'Of _course _he does.' Something in her voice told me that wasn't so.

'Sorry 'bout that. Me and my stupid mouth.'

'You are forgiven.'

Another couple of minutes passed.

'I'm probably going to marry him someday.' She said in dead seriousness. I tried my hardest not to laugh at the childish statement.

'You really love him, don't you?'

'Damn straight.'

'So I don't really have a chance, do I?'

She suddenly blushed and stammered, ' Y-you're actually _attracted _to me?'

I actually _did _have a boner for her, but I meant the statement as a spur-of-the-moment joke. Apparently she took it quite seriously. I did not know what to say.

'Well, you _are_ really sexy....I'm being completely honest here.' My knack for speaking my mind didn't really help much. She bit her lower lip, opened and closed her mouth like a dying fish and muttered, 'I'm.... uh....erm....rather flattered. No one's ever....' She said a lot more, but I didn't catch any of it.

We stopped in front of Kaede house. Lucy looked at her watch. It was seven thirty.

'I'm glad we uh, got back on the right foot, so to speak.' I said, eager to recover from my last slip.

'It's good to know I'm not actually a bitch, huh?' She said in an ambiguous tone.

Again, I did not know what to make of her unpredictable mannerisms.

'Er....yeah. No one ever said you were.'

'But you were probably _thinking _it, right?'

'Wha-

Her eyes were unreadable.

'Well, I-

'Don't worry, I'm just fucking with you.' She gave the ever-so-slight hint of a grin.

'Think my humour's improving?'

'That scared the living _shit _out of me.'

'Hrm.' She flashed me the first prototype of an _actual genuine _smile, 'See you at breakfast. I have to wash up.' She darted up the huge flight of stairs and left me rather bewildered at the bottom.

I didn't quite know what to make of her.

_**Author's ending note: Well, there you have it, my monumental masturbatory manufacturing of a masterpiece of a manuscript. (See? I did some alliteration there. I should have majored in English!) No, but seriously, review this. I would like to see some feedback, as I am actually going to go serious with this story.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Elfen Lied: Interruption Part 2

Author's note: In case you missed my rant in the first part of the story, I'm going to reiterate the same points just so you can have this drilled into your head again. I rated this teen because I am working under the assumption that most teens today are corrupted to the point where concepts such as necrophilia and rape don't even raise an eyebrow. I would like to digress a little bit at this point and thank Family Guy for making this possible. Don't get me wrong, I love the show, and it amuses me to no end when I see eight year olds talk of transvestites and Quagmire-esque feats with the blasé of a jaded hooker. Anyways, back to the point. I MIGHT change the rating to mature later in the story due to extremely excessive gore (even in Elfen Lied standards,) but for now I'm on the fence about that decision. If any righteous shitheads decide to chide me about my choice of theme and language in conjunction with the rating, go right ahead and prepare for a rather accurate psychoanalytic judgement of your pathetic christian life. See what I did thar? I underscored the 'C' to piss people off.

With all that pleasant stuff out of the way, let's get on with the story bitch cakes.

After a breakfast of Miso soup, rice, and baked trout, Yuka put down her cup of steaming green tea and announced, 'We're going to the _zoo _today!'

'Really?' I said in a rather disinterested tone. I was too busy playing Chicken Wars on my laptop. The run had drained me of my will to live.

Lucy calmly sipped her tea and gave her usual devious grin, 'C'mon Richard, I know you have more energy than this. If you decide to be a party pooper....'

_Something _moved in my colon again.

I was now _convinced _that Lucy had something to do with my shitting episode on the taxi.

Closing my laptop, I twitched my cheeks once or twice and said, 'No prob, it'll probably be good for me to have some fun before the storm....I mean, the shitload of work that's going to come crashing down on me next week.'

Kouta rolled his eyes and muttered, 'You need more trollface.'

'Excuse me?'

'You need more space....for sleeping. ' He said carefully. I could have sworn he said 'trollface.'

Nana was hopping up and down with excitement, seemingly tormented by needles sticking into her ass, 'Let's go! I can't wait to see those things with long noses again!'

'You mean elephants?' Yuka corrected her gently. Lucy face palmed herself.

'Oli-phaunts!' Nana blurted out happily.

Mayu, in her meek wisdom, broke the awkward scene, 'I'll go get my sketch book and pencils....'

'She _draws _too!?'I almost screeched. I had a tendency to stick rather obnoxiously to people who shared the same interests as me.

'Yeah. She's just taken to it. Though.' Yuka said in a strangely maternal tone, 'She's taking a studio class, and she seems to have a knack for it.'

'We should be _siblings!'_ I screeched yet again. My voice cracked, ' Wow, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside- a b-tard, an artist-slash-writer, _and _a runner in the same house!'

Yuka raised an eyebrow. Nana had mysteriously disappeared.

I was too dense to realize that I hadn't included her and Nana in my congratulatory ejaculation.

'Well, thanks for the wonderful meal.' I stood up and stretched my arms, ' Let's get ready for an afternoon of animals, fun and a lingering smell of popcorn butter, summer humidity, and animal shit!'

I would have bitten down on the insides of my cheek again, except there was only a field of bloody pustules covering the torn skin. I popped one and felt my face flush as Yuka looked at me rather strangely.

'That's a rather strange expression, but it's strangely accurate.' Kouta said thoughtfully.

'I'll go get my wallet and cellphone.' I declared, 'See you in two.'

I bolted into my makeshift room and found the most compromising scene.

Mayu and Nana were in the middle of a mouth-to-mouth kiss that simply screamed 'Morning Quickie.'

I froze for a second. It took them a second to realize I was there, but when they did, I could have sworn that Mayu _teleported _to the other side of the room, while Nana just looked at me blankly.

Mayu muttered obscenities under her breath while Nana's creepy stare bored into my baggy eyes.

The black haired girl scrambled up to me and grabbed the front of my collar. Second time already? Maybe my warm and fuzzy feelings were misplaced.

'You saw everything, didn't you....' Her eyes were filled with tears, '_Please _don't tell anybody about this...'

'Why not? It's not like being gay's bad or anything.' Phantom cheek bite yet again.

'No, just...._please _don't tell Yuka or anyone, it's....just _don't...._' She blubbered a little, spoke some gibberish, and then loosened her grip on my collar.

I had a horrible feeling that I was going to blurt it out sooner or later. I didn't tell her though. Her momentary despair seemed to fall on the level of being suicidal.

'Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. I swear on my _life.'_

'Pinky swear?' Mayu whispered.

This rather childish cementing of promises almost caused me to diagnose her being stuck at the oral stage of development out loud.

I sniffed rather harshly to keep my tongue from slipping and made the eight year old seal of trust.

'You _promise, _right? I mean....it's not that I don't trust you....

'It's that I don't trust you.' I finished for her. She looked at me quizzically. Nana was still giving me the blank look of post-modernist video art.

'Can you guys _hurry up?'_ Yuka called from the other room, 'Nana, it's your turn to do the dishes today!'

Nana shuffled out of the room and shot me one last blank look before going off to wash her plates.

I said in my most reassuring manly voice, 'Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.' I felt the intense need to burst out laughing at my copy-paste response.

Mayu seemed to buy it, 'Thank you. I'll tell them when I'm ready....' She hugged her sketchbook to her chest and scurried out of the room.

I wrinkled my nose and scratched my balls, '_This is certainly an eventful morning.'_

Retrieving my blackberry and my fake leather wallet, I stopped by the bathroom to rearrange my coarse dry black hair. I was too lazy to get a haircut. My hair now looked like a bad Asian imitation of a skater mop. I was not too proud of it.

'Buzz cut....yeah, buzz cut.' I muttered to myself like a mantra as I left the room, wondering what _would _happen if Nana, in her preschool wisdom, were to glomp Mayu in the middle of the night. The /b/ tard inside me screamed 'FAP.' The super-ego screamed, 'NO.'

I mentally screamed, 'YES. NO MEANS MAYBE'

A perverted smile crept onto the corner of my lips as I ran my fingers nervously through my hair.

I decided to grab another cup of black coffee and a five hour energy shot before I headed out.

* * *

The zoo was strangely devoid of people. I was still in the shit pits because Nana decided it would be a good idea to consume all my five hour energy shots as a kind of retribution for catching her in the act with Mayu. Unfortunately, my energy shots totalled about ten in number. Nana was jumping and literally bouncing off walls as she cracked jokes that hardly made any sense and kept wagging her tongue and asking everybody if they wanted to see her 'prosthetics.'

I asked Yuka about it, and she merely stated that it was a long running joke with Nana and that it wasn't anything to fuss about.

Again, I had the feeling that that was utter and total bullshit. I glanced very hard at Nana's limbs and saw absolutely _no _sign of any fake limbs.

I looked to Yuka for some kind of answer, but I had the feeling that she was deliberately looking away from me.

I had a feeling that this 'family' had more than a few festering skeletons in their closet. I pretended to look intently at my blackberry as Kouta cleared his throat, 'Let's go see the elephants then!'

'The _oli-phaunts!'_

'Elephants.' Yuka said gently.

'What-_ever.'_ Nana hopped up and down on the spot, 'Last one to the African section is a _rotten Diclonius!'_

She sped off at an impressive pace. I wondered if all pink haired girls in Japan possessed such natural running ability. Lucy had her face in one palm.

Kouta was busily pursuing Nana while Yuka looked at me apologetically, 'Sorry she drank all your....energy shots....she's always like that, curious, but not too socially conscious.' Yuka sounded uncharacteristically tired. Perhaps it was only in comparison to Nana's hyperactive state.

I shrugged, 'It's _aww-_right. No harm done. I hope that stuff wears off though. We can't keep up with her.' My insides glowed with sparkling happiness when I quoted the meme. I loved self masturbatory comments.

Yuka smiled wanly, 'Thanks....I hope so too.' She looked around and saw Lucy fidgeting around with the zoo map while staring intently at the monkeys.

'Lucy! We've got to catch up with Kouta and Nana- we don't want to get lost!'

The pink haired enigma muttered something under her breath and tore the map in half. Yuka's face bore a temporary look of pure unadulterated horror before she recomposed herself.

'_Coming.'_ Lucy nearly stomped over and turned her head this way and that in her typical well-oiled-machine fashion, 'Did Kouta just run off with that little...._whore?'_ She inquired rather harshly.

'Erm....yeah....' Yuka seemed intent on swallowing her own tongue, 'I _told _you we had to hurry up....'

Lucy repeated some calming mantras under her breath and put on a fake smile, '_Okay, __I won't kill you this time._'

'What?' I could have sworn I heard something after the 'okay'.

'Never mind, never mind....' Lucy's smile started to look rather painful. She spun around and stalked off towards the African section.

Yuka groaned, ' This is turning out _fantastic.'_

All of a sudden, as if on cue, her head disappeared.

I suddenly tasted copper, gunpowder, and a touch of raw pork as my vision was obscured by red giblets of meat. Some solid shards slashed masterpieces into my forehead, while something like jell-o settled on my nose. I opened and closed my mouth in shock, swallowing some of the burning meat in the process. Something _slippery _was encasing my upper body.

In that split second, I registered the following: Yuka was now a headless mannequin with a crooked candy cane spinal cord reaching wildly out for a missing skull, people were screaming, and Mayu's face was turning green.

The first thing that popped into my head was, '_Human sashimi.'_ And an offhand commentary breezily saying, '_You know putz, you have a half liquefied EYEBALL on your nose.'_

Like any reasonable human being would do in a situation such as this, I did the only thing I could do.

I screamed like a spoiled four year old girl getting the wrong doll for her birthday, dove for Mayu with my open arms, and tackled her to the ground, unintentionally ramming my elbow into her stomach.

If this were any other situation, I would have had an erection. But in any case, I felt the need to intersperse my heroic actions with a short and strangled yelp of, 'FALCON PUN-

Mayu threw up all over my face.

Great, now my face was the amalgamation of all human fluids compiled into one convenient spot. My tea-pot squeal was still going on as I shielded Mayu with my body....

Okay, I wasn't shielding her with my body, I was trying to army crawl away as fast as humanly possible, while Mayu held on to my leg with screams of, ' _Don't leeeeaaaave meeeeee.....'_

I shook my head like a dog in heat and ridded myself of _some _debris on my face. Somebody stepped on me, and I said something along the lines of, 'FACKOO SHELF!!' in heavily accented chinglish. ( I was trying to tell the man to fornicate himself.)

Another shot rang out, and Mayu screeched in agony. Somebody put a bullet in her ass.

I suddenly felt a wave of righteous anger wash through me. _No one _defiles sweet ass like that without some kind of retribution, but this wasn't the time for heroics.

In a display of intense, heroic and rather amazing hysterical strength, I heaved all ninety pounds of the petite sixteen year old onto the back of my emaciated six foot four frame, screamed, and ran wide legged towards the African Pavilion with urine steadily seeping wildly through my pants.

I saw a washroom, opened the door to the lady's room with the hand that wasn't gripping Mayu's bleeding ass, and collapsed to the floor, unceremoniously causing the wounded girl to drop like a sack of potatoes.

'Ohshitohshitohshitohshit!' I chattered like a parrot on crack as I crawled towards her at super speed. At least I had the frame of mind to kneel next to her at an angle where she couldn't see my dripping crotch.

Mayu's face was ghastly pale, 'Where's Wanta?' She sat upright.

Oh, I had totally forgotten about the little fucker.

'Let'snotgoofftopicherelieonyourstomachsotheblooddoesn'tcomeout.' I yammered while I flipped her over. I looked at the blood soaked hole in her buttocks and was a little relieved that the blood wasn't exactly _spurting _out. I jumped up, ripped open the paper dispenser, (it was rusty anyways) and snatched out a pile of brown towelettes. With shaking hands, I placed the stack on the wound and decided to _lie down _on it in my infinite wisdom.

'Thiswillstopthebleeding.' I slurred as she glanced at me with glazed eyes, 'Don'tworryI'llcallKouta.'

I flexed my neck. It always did something to quell my neurotic episodes. My trembling was toned down a notch. I suddenly screamed out, 'THANK YOU SATAN!' When I found out I had Kouta's number on my blackberry. I am by nature, a very disorganized person, so the very fact that I had bothered to ask him for his cell 'for posterity' was cause enough to celebrate.

I gripped the black device with slippery hands as I anxiously waited for him to pick up.

'_Huh-huh-huh-huh-hello_?' Came the unstable voice of Kouta from the other end.

'YELLOW!?' I almost screeched. I calmed myself with an approximation of Lucy's mantra, which was incidentally, '_Find your center, find your center.'_ I took a deep shaky breath and said in the most professional voice I could, 'Yuka's head is blown off and Mayu's ass is bleeding.'

This time, I actually said, '_Doh!' _out loud and smacked myself on the forehead.

A short pause.

'_What?` _Kouta`s voice was barely audible.

'Um....maybe it's best if I tell you face to-

'_Yuka's dead?'_ Kouta said in a strangely calm manner.

'Erm....yeah....I'm sorry....but Mayu's bleeding quite badly here, so can you come-

An agonized howl came from the other end of line, causing my blackberry to sputter in snaps, crackles, and pops. The scream would haunt me, a seasoned /b/ tard for several weeks. My balls were itching yet again.

Kouta was busily sobbing at the end of the line- he sounded like someone who had just snapped from years of emotional turmoil. For some reason, I wasn't too surprised. I felt some snot drip down my nose.

Lucy picked up the phone, '_Richard? Is that you?'_

'A-yup.' I said in a retarded voice.

'_Where are you right now?'_

'I'm in the lady's room back at the primate section....' I kept on repeating the mantra to myself. Mayu started to get her bearings and began to rant and inquire hastily under her breath pertaining to the whereabouts of Wanta.

I began to get nervous. My voice cracked like a pre-pubescent teen in the process of dropping his balls, '_Please_ hurry up....Mayu's not looking too good here.'

'Where did you say you were?'

'I'm in the lady's room in the primate section.' Mayu suddenly grabbed the seat of my pants and shrieked, 'WHERE'S WANTAAAAA!?'

I looked around frantically and felt my mouth move on its own, '_Shut up!'_ I snarled unintentionally.

This did nothing to quell her anxiety. Her hands raced up to the back of my shirt and began to tug spastically, 'Where's wanta, where's wanta, WHERE'S WANTA!?' She repeated like a bad remix.

I heard Lucy mutter something on the phone, '_What!?'_

'WHERE'S MY FUCKING DOG!?' Mayu's face could have passed for that of a geisha with too much makeup. Two unhealthy looking spots of red dotted her face. She shook me to and fro. I was trying my hardest to control the urge to shove her aside.

'_Look, _we'll look for your dog after-

'WANTA!'

'Okay, Wanta, after we get out of this mess.'

'No, _you _dragged me in here, and I lost Wanta in the process!'

That was greatfulness for you.

'Actually, you would have been _dead _if I hadn't dragged you in here.' I said with barely concealed malice, 'Who _cares _about that little shit anyways? It wouldn't surprise me if the tigers are playing hot potato with his carcass right now.'

I winced as I realized the gravity of what I just said.

Mayu suddenly fell silent. It looked as if the bones in her body had suddenly disappeared.

She slumped down against the wall.

The bleeding had started again. A pool of blood was forming underneath her.

She hunched forward a little bit, hugged her knees to her chest, and started to sob quietly.

I stared blankly at her.

A crack appeared in the wall separating the two washrooms.

I heard a muffled shout of, '_One!'_

The crack grew bigger.

'_Two!'_

The crack was now approximately seven by seven. It was starting to spider web.

'_THREE!!'_

The wall collapsed in a mess of concrete, dust and chips of yellowed paint. I felt something blunt hit my forehead.

Lucy was doubling over from violent hacks and coughs.

Kouta was still wailing erratically and muttering to himself about Yuka's death. Nana simply stood rather calmly next to Lucy, apparently unaffected by the dust storm.

Blood was pouring down my forehead. A piece of concrete must have hit me.

Lucy finished her coughing, 'Is Mayu okay? Nothing hit her, right?'

Mayu looked like she was caked in flower. The blood surrounding her now looked like Kool-Aid powder.

Nana caught sight of her lover sitting in the corner like a broken mannequin. Her eyes widened to the size of toonies.

'Don't worry Mayu, I'll save you!' She bounded over in the clumsy fashion of a retired superhero on speed.

She kneeled next to the almost comatose brunette and flipped her over in a surprising display of strength. The wound was mostly covered by vaporized plaster and yellow dust.

'Oh no....Mayu, I need you to bear the pain a little, okay?'

Mayu nodded and looked at me with a pair of haunting glazed over eyes.

'Okay....I'm going to extract this....it's only going to sting a little....'

'Are you sure this is a good id-

My mouth went dry when I saw the bullet _levitate _out of the wound.

It fell to the floor with a resounding _clink._ It was a .308 round. The guy _really _must have wanted us dead.

'You okay Mayu?'

'I think....I think I can stand now....' Mayu staggered a little like a newborn foal, and fell on her ass.

'I'll repair the muscle fibres the best I can then....' Nana closed her eyes and stood next to Mayu, apparently trying out her psychic schtick again.

'Wait wait WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE!' I yelled in caffeine induced hysteria, 'Are you saying that _you _have psychic powers now!? What the FUCK!?'

Lucy sniggered a little, and then coughed, 'You _could _say that. It's nothing you would understand though.'

'What, _you_ can do that shit too?'

'Damn straight.'

'So you're telling me you knocked down that wall with....psychokinesis?'

'Erm....not exactly. It' complicated.' Lucy knelt down next to Kouta and tried to comfort him with sweet little nothings in his ear.

I yelled to the ceiling, 'CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!??'

I caught my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and bulging.

Lucy sighed in frustration, 'Okay, _okay...._I _guess _you're trustworthy enough to know the truth....'

She dusted herself off, coughed once more and pointed to the ribbons in her hair, 'You see these?'

Unravelling them revealed another set of cat ears not too far removed from Nana's.

'These are horns.'

'I thought they were cat ears.'

Lucy snorted scornfully, '_That's _a new comment. Anyways, I'm part of a mutant species known as Diclonius. And _no, _we don't have psychic powers. We have invisible semi-corporeal limbs that extend out of our backs.'

I crossed my arms and tried to prevent my jaw from dropping. Maintaining my 'cool dude' posture, I said in a mismatched cracking voice, 'B-b-b-but that's scientifically _impossible!_ So let me get this straight- you're a mutant with horns....with invisible tentacles that have super strength growing out of your back.'

'Well, they're more like arms and hands. We can grab things with them too.'

'There....' Nana murmured, 'I did the best I can. I reattached most of your muscle fibres. Try standing up now.'

Mayu got like an old man with arthritis, but go up nevertheless.

I turned my head spastically to each odd couple repeatedly, ' Okay....so you can repair _muscle _fibers with these things?'

'Depends on the size of your...._fingers.'_ Lucy said off-handedly. Haha, 'Nana's got really dainty and slim ones. Mine are....' She squinted and looked up, 'About the twice the size of my normal hands. You can say that my fingers are too fat.'

'But I can still grab stuff with them.' Lucy added, as if trying to cover up this shortcoming.

Something in my head suddenly clicked.

'_You _were the one that caused me to _shit _myself in the taxi.' I pointed an accusing finger at Lucy. At this point however, I was more fascinated than furious.

But I was still pretty peeved.

'Oh, _that...._hehe....' Lucy tried to hold back a giggle, 'That was just a little prank....sorry about that....'

'_Little!?_ You fucking embarrassed me in front of everyone!' I raved a little louder than necessary.

'I _said _sorry.' Lucy rolled her eyes in a maddeningly condescending manner.

'Apology _accepted.'_ I said through gritted teeth.

'By the way, your head's bleeding pretty badly.'

'Don't care.' I said with a fair amount of blasé, 'I've had worse accidents than this.'

Lucy shrugged while running her fingers through Kouta's hair, 'Hope you don't bleed out or anything though.' She kept on whispering things to Kouta. What I would have given to know what they were. I would have had a _field _day ruminating on the essence of their strange relationship. There seemed to be an unhealthily unbalanced vampiric vibe going on between them.

I sighed and wiped off some of the glistening blood, 'Okay, time to _really _come clean now. It's obvious _they _aren't after me. You've probably pissed some people off in the past. _Who?'_

'They're probably trying to get their hands on me again....' Lucy said to herself.

'_Who _the fuck are you talking about!?'

'I _know _Kakuzawa's dead....who could be taking his place?'

'Who's Kakuzawa!? Can you quit hiding things from _me!?'_

Lucy said with a mildly annoyed look, ' Richard, can you just shut up for _one moment?_'

I suddenly took into account the power of her mighty tentacles and kept quiet.

She thought to herself for a few more moments, even taking her hand off Kouta's shoulder.

'_Fuck, _I've got nothing.' She snarled to herself.

'You shouldn't be too surprised though. Some people might find you an interesting...._specimen _to study.'

'Hm, according to them, I am apparently.' Lucy said surprisingly mildly, 'You see, I'm considered.... quote unquote, the queen of my kind- meaning, A, I'm the only one that can reproduce, and B, I'm the one with the purest bloodline.' Lucy sighed dejectedly, 'What _more _research could they want from me?'

I bit my lip, 'Huh, that is _the _most peculiar story. So....they used you like a lab rat?'

Lucy raised an eyebrow, 'That's one way to put it, though I could decapitate you for that comment.'

'Sorry, slip of the tongue again.'

'Apology accepted.' Lucy helped Kouta stagger to his feet. His shoulders were hunched over, causing him to look like a zombie. He choked, gasped, and wheezed like Michael Jackson before he died.

Being the judgmental prick that I am, I deducted that Lucy appeared more docile when she was in close physical proximity with Kouta. Maybe I should have taken more jabs at Ms. 'Better Then Thou' while the advantage lasted?'

'Soooo....what's the plan then?'

'We're going to look for Wanta.' Mayu said with stony deliberation.

'No, we're are _not _going to do that.' Lucy said with equal gravity, 'We are going to find a way to get the _fuck _out of this zoo, and _then _we'll consider looking for your dog.'

Mayu said nothing. She turned her dead gaze back on to me.

'Again, do you have a plan?'

Lucy rolled her eyes, 'Do I _look _like I have a plan? Geez, I'm not a military strategist.'

'Can't you just take out any shooters with those magical tentacles of yours?'

'They're called _vectors, _you douche. And _no, _I refuse to use them.'

'Why?'

'Because I don't want to.'

'What the _fuck!?'_ I was getting a little peeved now, 'Are you a fucking pacifist or something?'

'Far from it.' Lucy glared at me with frightening intensity, 'I don't think it's ever occurred to you, dense human, but I used to _kill _a lot of people with my vectors.'

She stopped calling me Richard. Back to the drawing board.

'So what, you're like a serial killer or something?'

'Precisely.' She said coldly, 'You see, it's hardwired into my genes to kill every single human on the planet and repopulate it with Diclonius like me. It's actually a _miracle _that I was able to suppress my innate desire to kill. I used to view all humans as filthy vermin, but Kouta changed my perception of humans. Without him, I would have still been a psychotic killer with no empathy.' She took a shaky breath, 'I....I _promised _Kouta I wouldn't use these vectors to take life, and I intend to _keep _that promise.'

An awkward silence fell over the group.

'That's rather admirable of you.' I muttered.

'Thank you.' She said rather frostily, 'So I'm _not _a pacifist, thank you very much.'

Mayu stumbled over to the sink and washed her face with cold water. Nana tottered after her like an underpaid nurse in an old folk's home.

It was the first time I noticed the washroom smelled like the feces of a man who ate too much meat.

'It stinks in here.'

'No shit, Sherlock.' Lucy paused for a moment, 'No pun intended there.'

'Da Dum Tss.' Bass, snare, crash.'

'Oh, haha.' Lucy allowed her trademark ghost of a smile to wander into her features.

Another awkward silence followed. The gurgling of a plugged toilet could be heard.

The dust was beginning to settle. Lucy cleared her throat, coughed once more and said, 'You know, I don't think we're going to be safe _anywhere_ from this point on. Returning to Kaede house isn't the best option.'

'So I'm going to miss school on Monday?'

'You're probably going to miss your _plane _going back two months later.' Lucy said as-a-matter-of-factly, 'You're entangled with us now. If they get a hold of you, they'll probably interrogate you and then kill you. Anything pertaining to my species is top secret stuff.'

'So this is like area 51 crap now?'

'You could say that.'

'Who knows, maybe you're an alien.'

'I _wish _I was. Like I said, dork- I'm a mutant.'

'You're really a _tsundere, _aren't you?'

'No, mostly just _a tsuntsun.'_

I was quite surprised at her knowledge of basic anime culture. That's what you get for living with a /b/ tard I guess.

'_Tsuntsun's _an understatement.'

Lucy shrugged, 'It's better than what I used to be. If I were _half _the person I was two years ago, you would be lying in half on the floor screaming while trying to stuff your intestines back in.'

'Really vivid imagination you've got there.'

'Not imagination. Just memories.'

'Oh.'

She looked away from me, signifying the end of the peculiar exchange. She draped her arms over Kouta, 'Now, the first thing we have to do is get out of this washroom. We can't very well spend the rest of our _lives _in here.'

Without even thinking, my heroic alter-ego popped in to say hi, 'I'll be the bait.'

Lucy looked at me with a bewildered look on her face, '_You'll _ be bait?'

'Yeah....I mean....I _could _be....'

'That's uncharacteristic of a human. I would have thought you'd be more cowar-

'No, it's just a month without sleep.'

'I see....'

Awkward silence number three. How I hated them.

'Do you hear that?' Lucy frowned and cupped her ear.

'Hear what?'

'That rumbling outside.'

I expected her horns to start twitching like cat ears.

Nana started to tremble, 'I'm scared....'

'This is _pretty_ fuckey.' I imitated Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys.

Lucy's eyes opened as wide as eggs, 'Oh...._fuck...._they _wouldn't....'_

'_What, _do you think it's a tank or some-

'GET DOWN!!'

A powerful wind swept into the room as the entire front of the washroom collapsed from the immense artillery shell. The washroom buckled, heaved, and eventually crashed down on us.

So there we were, buried in about two tons of concrete and rubble. I could have sworn my head was opened up like a flower at that point. Pollocks swirled around in my vision while I coughed up generous amounts of dust, plastic, and whatever bits and pieces the washroom was constructed of.

My last thought before I blacked out was, '_This is the best summer EVER.'_

Author's note: Well, there you have it, chapter two. Please review. Constructive criticism is welcomed with open arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Elfen Lied: Interruption, Part 3

Author's note: I think there's going to be two more instalments after this. I'll just see how the plot unfolds. I have no fucking idea how this is going to end, and don't bother asking me. Like I said, I am improvising this to the best of my ability. With that out of the way, let's begin.

* * *

I woke and up and saw grey all around me. I felt like I had just been molested by an elephant. My asshole (pardon my French) felt unbelievably sore, and my head felt like it weighed several hundred pounds.

As my vision cleared, I saw that I was in a cell of sorts. There was padding all around me, and there was a presumably shatter proof wall of glass separating me and....

an emaciated looking man in an oversized lab coat. His face looked worn and tired. The horn rimmed glasses didn't help very much.

There were two speakers on the ceiling. They crackled a little before announcing, 'Awake?'

I looked everywhere for something that resembled a mike. No such luck. Perhaps it was hidden or something, 'What does it look like, fuck mook?'

'No need for harsh language.' The man drawled in a bored sounding voice, 'As you can see, you have been contained. All of your injuries have been attended to, and now I want you to answer some questions.' He sounded as if he was reading off of cue cards.

'First of all, where _am _I?'

'I am not at liberty to discuss that with you.'

'Oh, _this _bullshit?'My caffeine fuelled mania was gone. I was a husk of the man I used to be.

'Question number one.' He droned, 'What are your relations with the Diclonius known as Lucy?'

Lucy. Oh, right.

'I....I'm just an exchange student staying in Japan over the summer. No need to get your panties in a bundle.'

'So you have no blood relation with her?'

'Do I _look _pink haired to you, fuck wit?'

'The pigment of hair follicles does not automatically suggest complete distance.' He said in that annoying reedy voice of his, 'However, based on the examination we did on you, we have reason to believe that she infected you with the Diclonius virus.'

'Wait...._what?'_

'Your progeny will all now be born Diclonius.'

I rolled my eyes. This probably happened when Lucy pulled that nasty little prank on me.

'It's not like I'm planning on having kids.' I said. It was true. I fucking hated them. I couldn't imagine devoting my life to raising another entity.

'Nevertheless, you are infected.' He looked at me as if this would have some sort of life changing effect on me. I swore under my breath, 'So _what _if I'm infected with pink haired neko AIDS? I _said, _I'm _not _having children, and even if I do, it will be through a fucking sperm donor.'

'Which is why we can't let you go.' He said in that infuriating bored voice. He sounded like a second rate dead-pan comedian doing his best impression of Christopher Walken on an old radio.

I slumped down in the corner. I just noticed I was in a straight jacket. My head was wrapped with bandages. Oh goody.

'Now, you'll either cooperate, or we will have to terminate you.'

'Excuse me? _Terminate?'_

'Yes. That means you'll be dead.'

'I know what it means, four eyes.'

'No need for derogatory comments.'

'Fuck you.'

'No need for derogatory comments.'

'What's the matter? Feel all powerful and in control in that white lab coat of yours? Feel that you can overcome you feelings of inferiority stemming from being bullied all your life?'

'There's no need for derogatory comments.' His facial muscles were a little distressed. I grinned inside,

'Interrogating helpless prisoners really puts you in the drivers seat, eh? Does it erase the memories of having your head dunked in the toilet?'

'There's no need-

'Does it _compensate_ for all those years you did homework for the jocks and tried to convince yourself that you're an intellectual?'

'I _said, _there's no-

'When you got your master's degree, did you feel somewhat accomplished? Only to be dismayed that your grades weren't high enough to go for a doctorate?

'Shut up-

'Oh, but you worked. You worked and worked and worked, but the grades never seem to _come._ You think that once you get a shiny 'doctor' on your door, the ladies will come _flocking to you.'_

'SHUT UP! Or else I'll-

'You're a virgin, aren't you?'

A deadly silence fell. The researcher's face looked ashen. His hands were trembling, 'I'll....I'll make you _suffer.'_ He said suffer with a lisp.

'Alright, _make _me _thuffer.'_

He pressed a button a pad next to him.

I immediately felt an unpleasant electrical shock course through my body. I could have sworn my dick spat out sparks with a smile.

'Okay, _okay!_ I get the _point!'_

It simply rolled off my tongue as always, '40 year old _virgin.'_

He gave a wail of nerdy rage and slammed the button again and again.

My muscle fibres danced as the deadly currents flowed through me. Smoke began to come out of my mouth, 'Okay....I'll answer the questions.' I coughed and bit my tongue to prevent any more snide comments from rolling off.

'That's good.' He said in a trembling voice. His slicked back hair was messed up from his rage, 'Now, question number _two...._

* * *

Fifty pointless questions later, he sat down on a swivelling chair and started to clean his hilarious looking glasses. He had a mug of coffee next to him. Oh, how I _wanted _snatch that holy Cup o' Joe away from that unworthy exponent.

I examined the straight jacket and sighed. I desperately wanted to go pee.

'Excuse me, can I have washroom breaks?'

He ignored me.

'C'mon, basic human rights?'

Two beady eyes slowly trained themselves on me.

'I mean....c'mon, doesn't your boss follow some kind of ethics code? Or _something _along that line?'

A smirk crossed his face. Not good.

'_Why _should I let you relieve yourself when you have insulted me?' He said with a touch of amusement.

'Because I'll _piss _myself, that's why.'

'Like you said yourself, _fuck you.'_ He said the last bit with utmost relish.

'I cooperated, and now I want my washroom break.'

'Well, _you can't HAVE IT!!'_ He screamed, banging his fists down on the table. The cup of coffee spilled. I died a little inside.

'Aren't you _obligated _to do it though? I mean, if anyone were to find out about this, your organization's as good as done.'

A creepy smile crept onto his face, '_No one's _going to find out. You see, we're on a remote island right now, and even if you _die _of starvation and rot away in there, no one's going to care. You should have been nicer to me. I don't _have _to give you any privileges, but I _could, _and that's the beauty of it.' He smiled widely. His teeth were yellow and discoloured, 'Now, if you were to _say _several words, I would let you out of there as quick as _this.'_ He snapped his fingers. I rolled my eyes.

'What do you want me to say?'

'First off, make me laugh. Thrash about and wiggle in that straight jacket of yours and make funny noises. If I get a giggle, then we'll talk.'

Knowing that I had no other option if I even wanted a _hope _of going outside, I started my little one man mental circus act.

* * *

Three hours later, I was sweating, panting, and utterly exhausted. My bladder was just about ready to explode. The unbearably high temperature didn't really help either.

I wheezed, coughed, flopped over on my belly and threw up. I let out a cry of despair for good measure.

He snorted a bit, and then actually guffawed at my wonderful performance. I raised my head from the puddle of vomit and grinned weakly at him.

'Good, _good!'_ He clapped his hands like a retard, '_Now, _lick up that vomit like a good boy, and _then _we'll discuss your washroom break!'

I did.

* * *

After lapping up the stinky little bits of food mixed in stomach acid, I gulped down my revolting excretion and put on the most despairing look I could muster.

Not that I wasn't despairing of course.

An evil smile crept onto his face, 'Now, I want you to say this _one thousand _times. Listen closely and repeat after me: I am a dickless, worthless _loser.'_

I almost blurted out something like, 'Is that the best you got?' But all I let out was a pathetic little squeak. I let a little bit of pee flow and held it again. It became much worse.

Some tears streamed from my eyes. They were quite genuine.

'I am a dickless, worthless loser. I am a dickless worthless loser. I am a dickless worthless loser. I am a dickless worthless.....

* * *

Approximately five hours later, I pissed myself, repeated another embarrassing phrase for who knows how long, and finally collapsed against the wall. At that point, I was sobbing. Snot was dripping out of my nose like globules of gold nuggets, I was half laughing from the miserable experience, and imagined with what was left of my sanity being in Antarctica and freezing to death.

'Oh, what do you know, my shift's ended. I'd better get going now.' He said cheerily. He scooped up his coffee mug and lab notes with one smooth and practiced swoop, 'Maybe you'll do better tomorrow!'

He flicked off the lights, 'You'd better continue the show tomorrow if you want your washroom break!'

He laughed maniacally in a falsetto trill and left the room.

That night, I dreamed of talking coffee mugs and taking a shit. It was the first good night's sleep I had in a _long, long _time.

* * *

'_Good morning!' _The annoying trebly voice announced. I jolted awake and was aware that I had shat myself in my sleep.

'_Well, _my employer, in his infinite kindness, has implored me to give you a _washroom break!' _ He looked at me, as if expected some ejaculation of appreciation. Seeing none, he sat down leisurely in his dinky little spinning chair and leered at me, 'He _said _he'd lower my _pay _if I didn't.' He hissed in an uncharacteristically sinister voice, 'Which is _why _I'll let _you, YOU, _you lucky bastard, to have _one _washroom break, and that's _it!'_

He twiddled his pen, '_And _he said to clean you up.' He spat it out like a dead bug.

'I really wanted to let you fester away in your own shit....' He said in a childishly wistful voice, 'But this isn't a perfect world....'

I said nothing. Silence is golden.

'Anyways, let's get this over with. I can't _wait _to find an excuse to shock you today.'

He jumped off his chair and left it spinning, 'Don't try anything _funny,_ or else I'll fuck you over with _this _little baby.' He held up a Taser, 'It's not any old Taser either. One _little_ shock to your lower extremities will render you permanently incapable of getting an erection, so I suggest you follow along like a good little boy.'

Silence is golden.

'Alright.....' he stepped toward the panel and pressed something.

The glass slowly came down. Fresh air rushed in like a pimple faced pizza delivery boy on his first night.

I took in a deep breath and let it out. It was sterile laboratory air, but it was _heaven _compared to the fecal stink of my little box.

'Roll out if you can.' He said dismissively, 'I've actually got all day.'

Silence is golden. I wriggled out feet first and landed on my ass. A brown skid mark appeared on the immaculate tile floor.

He wrinkled his nose, 'Now....according to my employer, I have to remove your straightjacket. _Again, _don't try anything funny, or _this _goes into your nuts.' He slowly waved the Taser like some kind of holy relic, 'And plus, if you do _anything _too serious, I can always shoot you.' He patted his gun holster. Shit. I hadn't noticed that.

He bent down to remove my restraints. I cooperated throughout the whole process. He kept his taser trained on my crotch. What a nice guy.

When my stinking cocoon was peeled off, he grabbed my arm. He had a surprisingly strong grip for such a small man. Caffeine rush was the most likely explanation.

The Taser was still trained on my nuts, '_Oh, _and I forgot to mention, when it's a _direct shock, _it will render you impotent forever. These babies are a _miracle!_' He jabbed me, 'Okay, get a move on!'

My spontaneity came into play at that moment. The concept of rolling away popped into my head, and then it was connected by the concept of simultaneously kicking him in the face. It was in one of my karate forms, and I had put it into use in sparring matches. _But, _the kick would have to be extremely accurate. Putting the harebrained idea into action was a different thing entirely. I rolled away as fast as I could like a greased hotdog, but the Taser got me in the ass.

But, as luck would have it, the shock triggered a spasm in my leg and caused it to lash out at the researcher's face.

A gristly crunch could be heard as his nose broke under my heel. He yelled something incoherent in a high pitched voice and dropped the Taser. Both of his hands flew up to his nose as his voice started to mutate into a whiny nasally _eh-_ing sound.

My instincts guided me from that point on. First, I had to take care of business.

I picked up the Taser, fiddled around with it for several seconds, and then jabbed it into _his _crotch. A satisfying _crackle _was followed by wafting smoke and the smell of burning meat. The Taser _had _to be from the black market. I made note to keep the nifty little thing. I retracted it and jabbed it in again.

The nasally wail became a full on, '_AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!' _He sounded like a steam whistle.

I dropped the Taser between the smoking remains of his manhood and went for his gun.

Unfortunately, he still had the frame of mind to put on a feeble struggle. He grabbed my wrist with his free hand while holding his scorched crotch with the other. He was kicking and screaming in the manner of a three year old having a temper tantrum as he lamented the loss of his gender.

'My _PEEEEEENIS!!! MY PEEEEEENIS!!!' _He screamed again and again as he throttled the hand reaching for his gun. I was in a frothing righteous rage at the moment. I yelled, 'You have _no right! _No _fucking RIGHT _to imprison us like that!' I would have puffed out my chest like Captain America, but my gimpy leg and my worm-like position on the floor prevented me from doing so, 'This....is....for....LUCY!!' The heroic tingly feeling surged through the very fibre of my being as I used my free hand to clumsily go for his gun. His other hand shot away from his overcooked sausage and gripped my other hand.

'I'll....I'll _kill you....'_ His face was ghastly pale to the point of being slightly yellowed. Oil from his slicked hair was running down his forehead. Running mascara would have completed the look.

His hysterical strength was quite considerable. I almost felt that my bones would buckle under his

Rage-quit strength. I decided to go for a more traditional way of loosening his grip.

I savagely bit down on _his _wrists and struggled for several more eternal minutes before finally ripping off a sizeable chunk of flesh. He started his annoying howl once again, let go of my wrists, and rolled away quicker than a greased butterball.

I followed the wretched specimen and went for his gun once again. It was at that inopportune moment that I realized how much I smelled. In the back of my head, I wondered if I could make some kind of joke cologne out of the mixture.

Nevertheless, he made no effort to resist my retrieval of his gun. I yanked it out of his holster, made sure the safety was off, and cocked it. Thank you, two years of Army Cadets.

You see, I'm quite a sadistic person by nature, and I liked to enjoy the little things in life when you have the upper hand on your enemy.

'_Now...._' I said in the scariest voice possible, 'I'm going to avenge myself and the rest of the people you have imprisoned in here, but before I do that, I want to know _where _you're keeping Lucy and the others.'

He was still wailing.

I kicked him in the stomach.

He rolled over like a friendly dog and choked out, '_Fuck...._you can go _fuck _yourself!'

I shot the floor next to him. He yelped and hopped off the floor like a fish in a frying pan.

'I'll ask _one more time._ Where's Lucy and the others?'

'FUCK YOU!!!' He yelled at the top of his lungs. Spittle flew in my face. I was losing my patience.

I decided to save the remaining eleven bullets. I wanted to do something creative with him. I was absolutely _ecstatic._

I picked up the Taser and positioned it above his eyes, 'I _said, _where are they?'

With tears streaming down his face he sputtered, 'What do I have to _live _for!? I have no dick now!'

'That's the least of your worries.' I said with unconcealed giddiness in my voice. I was planning to carry out my little experiment one way or the other, 'Tell me where they are, or I'll make you _eat _this taser.'

'N-n-n-n-n-no!' He spat in my face, 'Go _fuck _yourself!!'

'Alright.' I said. At that point, I snapped. My bipolar was in full control, 'Alright....alright....if that's the way you want it....' The seething rage at the pit of my stomach was unbearable. It _demanded _to be quenched.

* * *

One hour later, two guards would find the researcher barely alive, with both of his feet blown off, a Taser stuck up his ass, and shit smeared all over his face.

I was currently crawling around in the air vents, hoping to get somewhere productive. I crawled around for an hour or two before I decided to go with the flow and drop down in yet another whitish looking laboratory. I fell rather ungracefully from my perch, tried to land on one foot, and ended up collapsing on my ass once again. There was nobody in the lab, but my paranoia was ever so strong. I actually shot one of the sinks when I heard the dripping of water. I crouched, hid, and shuffled along like a commando. My gimpy leg was simply dragging itself along like a bag of flour. I started to scratch at some imaginary pimples on my face. I tended to do that when I was edgy.

'_I have nine bullets left. NINE. That's a lot.'_ I reassured myself.

The air conditioner was annoying. I was in my underpants. Coincidentally, they were Fruit of the Loom.

I crept around the room approximately five times before convincing myself that my little pseudo-commando act wasn't going to accomplish anything. I huffed, puffed, and tried to look mean and tough. After all, Lucy needed a _real _hero. She needed a strong _man _that she could-

I circled around the room again like a man with no confidence. The truth was, I had _no idea _what the fuck I was doing. Somehow, my ever present curiosity got the better of me. Was it Asperger's kicking in again? Nah. It couldn't be. After all, opening every single cabinet under the rows of experiment tables was what any sane person would have done in that situation.

I was mindlessly opening my tenth cabinet when I came face to face with two huge red eyes and a mess of pink hair.

She screamed.

I screamed. Our overlapping screams created a ten second shrill symphonic composition that would make Beethoven cream his pantaloons.

_Nana_ tumbled out of the little space.

That was when I noticed she was missing a sizeable portion of her arms and legs. In that brief moment of silence, my face twisted into a mask of bewildered disgust as I saw the said missing limbs inside another level of the cabinet.

I screamed in an even higher pitch.

Nana started to cry.

The overlapping sounds created a twenty second epic composition of classical fusion that would make Yoyo Ma cream his dress pants or whatever he wore to concerts.

After the glorious sounds subsided, Nana _hugged _me with those invisible tentacles of hers.

'I'm...I'm...I'm....really....you know, touched....but....' I pointed a shaking finger at her stored limbs.

Nana sniffed and retracted a string of snot back into her nose, 'Those....those are my prosthetics....I can put them back on if you'd like....I can't fit in the cabinet like this....'

'Oh.' I stared slack jawed as she used her invisible tentacles to put her limbs back on with four satisfying _clicks._ It reminded me of those snap together Gundam models. No glue required.

'So you _weren't _kidding about those....' I mumbled.

'How'd you get out!?' Nana shook me with her newly attached arms. I had to admit, it was much less disconcerting than being hugged by tentacles.

'Well....long story.' I motioned to my soiled underwear, 'The question is, how did _you _get out?'

'I.....I erm....I cried....and begged....and acted all cute for two days....' She shuddered a little, 'The guy was _sooooo_ fat, and he....he was a lolicon!!'

I did the math, 'I get it. No need to explain any more.'

She continued anyways in tear choked fashion. Typical Nana, 'And....and....and....and I promised him this thing called...._Secks, _right? And he drooled and drooled, and....and he tried to put his _wiener _in meeee!'

'What did you do?' I was actually quite curious.

'My vectors acted on their own!' Nana wailed, 'They ripped off his....his.....'

I sniggered a little. What were the chances of us both castrating our captors?

'Its fine, Nana. You did what you had to do.'

'But what if he's _dead!?'_

'Who cares?' I shrugged, 'The guards will eventually find him, patch him up, and maybe send him to a eunuch support group.

'Really?'

'Really!'

'Okay.' Her distress immediately dissipated. Go figure.

She looked around the room with a vacant glance, ' Soooo.....do you have a plan for getting out of here?'

'Do I _look _like a guy with a plan?'

'I know which movie that's from.' Nana said in a sing songy voice.

'_What?'_ I frankly didn't care.

'That's from _Batman: _The Dark Kuh-night!'

I felt the need to slam my palm against my face with such vicious force that my nose would hypothetically break. Instead, I gave an exasperated sigh.

'Anyways....the first thing I think we should do is look for more weapons around the room-

Then the concept of the tentacles popped into my head.

'_Wait _a second, I don't _need _weapons, all I need is _you!'_

'Sorry, but I don't use my vectors to hurt people.' Nana's face screwed up like a disappointed school child. I felt another intense urge to utilize my wide palms.

'But....can you block _bullets _with them?'

'Yeah...._and?'_ Nana said to me in a condescending voice. If the 'and' dragged on any longer, you could have sworn she thought what I said was mentally retarded. Look who's talking.

'You can block bullets from the guards.' It took me a total of ten seconds to say the sentence. I wanted to make sure Ms. Kindergartener here didn't miss a thing.

'Oh!' She looked like Archimedes having an orgasm in his bathtub, '_You're _smart!'

I held back the urge to say something snarky. My paranoid instincts told me she was a person who is constantly on the verge of snapping.

'Okay, here's the basic _gist _of the plan. I shoot the guards, you block the bullets coming at me, okay?' It took me a total of fifteen seconds to say this. Somehow she still hadn't caught on to my sarcasm. Maybe she didn't understand the concept of sarcasm? It was totally possible.

'Sooo....' She ruminated over the plan a little bit. I groaned.

'I stand in front of you and _block you....'_

'NO!!' I almost yelped in a girly voice, 'Nonononono! You use your _tentacles _to block it, okay?'

'What tentacles?'

I swore I considered for two seconds the possibility of shooting her and ending her intellectual existence.

'I mean....the invisible thingies you call....'

'Oh! My vectors!' She looked like she was about to have another orgasm. I rolled my eyes. She kept on looking at me like an overeager puppy dog.

'Yes, _that's _the plan.' I said in a ragged voice. My shit must have started to dry up. It stunk a lot less. It was my lucky day.

'So.' I reiterated the whole thing again just in case she caught the case of stupid flu, 'We go outside. Got it?'

She nodded.

'And then when the guards shoot, _what _do you do?'

'I....I _block _them with my vectors?' She seemed to guess this. It was a little bit of progress at least.

'Alright. Again. _What _do you do when the guards shoot me?'

'Do you think I'm _stupid _or something!?' Nana whined, 'I'll block them with my vectors!'

I ground my teeth until little powdery bits of enamel snowed down.

'Okay, now that we're _fine _with that, let's go on and save Lucy and the others. Do we have a plan here?'

'Yeah! Let's roll!' Nana skipped towards the sealed blast doors.

'How do we get out?' She ran her hands over the door.

Fuck. I never thought about that.

'I _guess _we can climb through the air vents again and drop down on some random hallway.' I was _so _not looking forward to reliving my days as a chubby child navigating mazes of playground tubes.

Nana's eyes lit up, 'You mean, we're _actually _going to _crawl _in the air vents?'

At that point, I gave up.

'_Yes, _we're actually going to _crawl _in the air vents.'

'Hooray!'

'Fuck my life.' I muttered.

'What?'

'Nevermind.'

* * *

As planned, we dropped down on a random hallway. As Lady Luck was smiling upon us that day, the two of us landing right on top of a chubby and rather incompetent looking guard, who had a serious case of body odour that clouded even the miasma of shit that surrounded my nether regions. As if from a badly made harem anime, Nana's crotch _somehow _landed on the guy's face, and I barely got any cushion from the loser. I just brushed his shoulder and crashed down on the hard tile floor. I heard something crack. I assumed it was from my numbed leg.

The chubby guy was half protesting and half enjoying his situation. He _wanted _to thrash, but he didn't really go all the way with the struggling. His brain processed the whole situation rather fast. It was as if he was _expecting _an attractive waifish 16 year old piece of jailbait with an IQ of 50 to land on his face. I would have shot the idiot in the crotch, but I was too busy examining my numb leg for anything that felt mealy. Nana simply sat on top of the guy and asked in a perfectly unflustered voice, 'What now?'

Like I had said before, I had given up already. I said in the most condescending tone I could, 'We go _down _this hallway, and then-

'Freeze!' Two more guards had their guns trained on me.

'Nana! Remember the plan!' Nana looked around a bit and then piped up, 'What?'

'_Block _their bullets for me!'

One of the guards starting shouting, 'If you don't drop your weapon _right now, _we'll shoot!'

'Oh, right!' Nana suddenly remembered our battle plan.

I felt a rush of cold wind and then _something _hovering in front of me.

'DROP IT!!' The taller of the two yelled. He had obscenely fuzzy sideburns. How I hated sideburns.

I smiled, 'Go ahead and shoot.'

To my surprise, the fuckers actually opened fire. I mean, they both looked like average Japanese salary men working part time shifts, but nothing prepared me for their utter _eagerness _to fire. Maybe they had a bad day at work? Maybe the oppressive nature of Japanese culture finally screwed their psyches over? I didn't know. All I knew was that Nana's vectors actually _worked._ The bullets bounced off the invisible force and lay scattered around me.

Nana was still sitting on the chubby guy's face. Again, go figure.

I noticed with some measure of disgust that the guy _realized _that Nana had an IQ of 50 and was furiously masturbating to his admittedly lucky situation.

I decided to deal with the two guys first. I shot them both in one leg and missed once. Six bullets left.

While the guards lay on the ground clutching their legs and wailing like seals in heat, I dragged myself over to the fat guy and screwed up my face in utter horror. He had _actually _taken his _dick _out and was rubbing the short stocky thing. Nana didn't even notice.

'Nana....look behind you.'

She turned her head in the manner of a loose screw and gasped at the obscene spectacle. Immediately scampering off the guy and tripping over herself trying to get up, she did a face plant on the floor, got up like nothing had happened, and ran down the hallway crying with wails that would make a first rate soap opera star blush. I screamed something even I couldn't decipher and ran after Nana. It was quite funny how I tended to speak in tongues when I was confronted with damsels in distress.

Fortunately enough, my dragging gait was enough to match _her _drunken jog. I looked back and saw that the two guards were still clutching their legs in despair. Chubby was trying to finish his fap session.

I tackled her and pinned her to the ground, 'You....fucking...._bitch!'_ I said without realizing once again, 'Do you want to get us _killed!?'_

'He-he-he-he was _masturba-tating_ to meeeee.....'

'Masturbating.' I corrected, 'But that's _not _the _point!_ Do you _want _to draw attention to us!?'

'N-n-n-no.....'

'_Good.'_ I stuck a finger in the direction of our Three Musketeers, '_We,_ are going to go _back _and steal their shit from them, and if you make _any _more noise....'

I tried to think of a threat that would actually go _through_ to her.

'I'll _leave _you to wander around _alone.'_

'NO!' She yapped while throwing her arms around me.

'Alright. You _promise _to cooperate?'

'But he-

'I'll take care of him. Let's just _go back, _pilfer their pockets, and go on, alright?'

Hopefully they hadn't crawled away yet. I didn't want a damsel in distress to miss my heroic retribution for such a vile defilement of sweet Nana crotch. I thought about it and almost had a nosebleed. My superego chided, 'Pervert.'

I chided, 'No, _Hentai.'_

Nana looked at me puzzled. I realized I had said that out loud.

'It's nothing.' I limped off in the direction of the wounded trigger happy guards and made eye contact with them. I grinned a Cheshire cat grin, '_Hello _boys.' I trained the my gun in their general direction, 'Now, if you'll just _hand over _your guns, I'll be more than happy to leave you alone and not put a _cap _in both of your heads.' I was rather enjoying my soliloquy. Nana was giving Chubby her blank eyed stare. The sicko had climaxed all over the floor and was still not giving a hoot about the reality around him. He was muttering something about strawberries.

I wondered about that mystery for a moment, and then concluded that Nana, in all her infinite wisdom, might have taken the concept of perfume to an extreme and sprayed it even on her crotch.

The two wailing guards paid no heed to my ultimatum. Oh well, at least it was a _well spoken _ultimatum on my part. I limped over, took both guns from their holsters with little resistance, and looked over to Nana, who was still eyeing Chubby with her death glare.

He suddenly noticed that the subject of his fantasies was staring at him with bedroom eyes. He choked, sputtered, and clumsily gathered up his pants in embarrassment, 'I'm....I'm sorry!' His face was literally puce, 'I didn't mean it! Please! I thought this was some sort of godsend! Please don't _shoot _meeeee....'

'We're not going to shoot you, right Nana?'

Nana nodded sagely while still retaining her look of death. It was quite an improvement on her part.

'I'll....I'll give you _anything!'_ The guy sobbed. In his sorrow, he dropped his pants and let his limp four inch cock dangle out like cheap fish bait, 'I thought it was a _dream!_ Really!' Tears were streaming down his face, 'You don't _know _what it's like to be a sex starved virgin at _thirty!'_

I crossed my arms and decided to let him go on with his confession. As an important footnote pertaining to my personality, I liked to feed off of people's sad stories. They made me feel _alive. _

'I....I....didn't _know _what I was doing!' Chubby was hysterical now, 'Please! I thought I was _dreaming!!_ I mean....I mean....if a girl dropped down from the _heavens _on your face like some bad anime, _you'd _think it was dream too, right?'

He was blubbering now. I wanted to have a little fun with him, 'So, what _are _you going to give in return for Nana sparing your life?'

Nana nodded sagely once again. Okay, maybe it _wasn't _that big of an improvement.

'OH! I know!' He began to frantically rummage through his pockets. He brought out sizeable plastic baggies filled with white powder.

'Top grade stuff!' He yammered in a high pitched voice, 'Columbian! Here! You can _have _it!' He tossed the two bags of coke at us and kept on parroting about its quality while I bent down to pick it up.

I examined the baggies for a moment. I remembered the ending of Scarface.

I had a brilliant plan.

'Thanks for the _Yayo.'_ I said in a suave voice, '_But, _it's not enough to keep you alive.'

'Wuh- wuh-wuh-WHAT!?' Chubby turned the colour of soured milk and suddenly pissed himself, 'Don't! Please! I have a mum at home, she's old, elderly, and she _needs _my pay! Please, for my mother's sake, _don't'_

A shark's grin spread across my face, 'Nana, he's all yours.'

'_You bet.'_

The gravelly voice made me spin around in surprise. The ditz had different eyes now. They looked empty, utterly devoid of emotion, and filled with sick hatred. The voice that was once high pitched, annoying, and admittedly slightly melodious was now a grating parody of its former self, 'Go away Richard. I'll take care of him myself.' She snarled in a deadpan voice.

Not wanting to take any chances, I slowly backed off with my loot and put out my hands defensively, 'Okay Nana....there's no need to be hasty-

Chubby's head flew off with a clean cut. The remainder of his neck spewed out a geyser of bright red blood. Nana proceeded to _grind _the rest of Chubby's body into mincemeat.

By the time two minutes passed, Chubby was nothing more than a pile consisted of glistening red flesh giblets. As a finishing touch, Nana took the intact head with her vectors and placed it gently on top of the pile. It looked as if her murderous alter ego had a sense of design.

My tongue slipped again, 'Looks great! Could pass for a modern art piece.'

Killer Nana slowly turned her head in the fashion of Lucy, '_Thank _you.' She said in an even deadpan voice, 'He _deserved _it.'

'Erm. _Yeah! _He....erm....he deserved it. Totally. I totally catch your drift!'

Killer Nana turned away and looked at her victim.

As quick as a flash, her neck regained the looseness of a rogue screw and swivelled back. It was like one of those Chinese mask changes- her face was now that of ditzy Nana with an IQ of fifty. Those teacup saucer eyes were filled with tears of remorse.

'I _killed _him didn't I?'

I almost felt sorry for her. I took a moment to assess the situation, and then I lied through my teeth, 'No....erm...._I _killed him.'

'I'm not _stupid.'_ She pouted, 'I _know _only vectors can do that....' I jumped when she started bawling at the top of her lungs.

But then again, this is _Nana _we're talking about. Everything she did was pretty much a surprise.

The brilliant idea flashed in my head like a garish neon lamp.

Maybe it's time I explained what my brilliant idea was. My mental processes read like this: If Scarface were to fearlessly gun down a whole _battalion _of men singlehandedly under cocaine rage, why should it not do the same for Nana and I? And in addition, it was a pretty fucking _hefty _amount of cocaine Chubby left us,(rest his soul) so we would either OD or become fearless berserkers with molten lava flowing through our veins. The fact that I was in underwear was a bonus. I was going into a war in the most primal of male attire. Yes. LAVA was going to flow through my veins.

* * *

Author's note: Okay ,this is the end of this chapter, so please review! Any and all constructive criticism is welcome!

Author's note # 2: I don't know if anyone's going to read this, but I apologize for focusing too much on me and my captivity in the first part of this chapter. There was actually nothing else I could do, given that I was stuck in such an inescapable situation. It's told from first person, so there's really no way I could have switched to Lucy or any of the other character's points of view. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I wrote this just in case anyone feels the need to _gently _remind me that the story is Elfen Lied centered and not _Richard _centered. With that out of the way, I feel that I should use this opportunity to tell you that the story's going to get _extremely _zany from here on. Expect a lot of trippy shit to happen.


	4. Chapter 4

Elfen Lied Interruption Part 4

Author's note: Alright, I have a feeling that this is going to be the last instalment. Everything is set in place for the final conflict, and it's all a matter of putting it together. Again, to be honest, I have not a single iota of a clue as to how this story is going to end, so bear with me on that. On another related note, the story's going to get extremely zany, abstract, and utterly feral. It's just a gut feeling, but that's typically the direction my stories tend to go. I will reiterate the justification for the rating once again. Teenagers of today (13 and up) are _extremely _corrupted, and it's not uncommon for me to come across a 13 year old spouting off about drugs, hookers, and the latest dead baby joke he heard about because it's just _so cool _to be edgy and different. Pfft. Anyways, I'm giving this a teen rating because I assume that the majority of Elfen Lied's audience is NOT 18+ and most likely around the ages of 15-17. Don't harp about this like some kind of high and mighty prick fellating the phallus of whatever religion or set of oh-so-pure moral standards you uphold. Save that shit for your inane angst filled adolescent quest for meaning, don't drag it over to fan fiction. We have enough of that already on the damned site. Also, if you didn't catch my drift the first time, this story is about how I would actually act if I were placed in the situations that I fictionalize myself in. My basic personality goes like this: lots of mood swings between hyper and Marvin the Robot depressed, lack of empathy, callous, tasteless, and strife with delusions of grandeur. (At one point when I was high on weed, I actually convinced myself I was the antichrist.) Ahem. Anyways....

Without further ado, let's roll bitchcakes.

Oh, and one more thing. This story's going to involve an internet personality that everyone universally loathes. I present to you:

.com/Chris_Chan

* * *

Nana looked at me with teary eyes and abruptly asked me in an emotion choked voice, 'What are those baggies with white powder?'

'That's what they call _cocaine.'_ My eyes glowed feverishly, 'And you know what it _does _to you?'

'No....'Nana was still sniffing back trails of snot and whimpering like a lost puppy.

'It makes you feel _absolutely _brilliant!' I almost kicked one of the downed guards in my zeal, 'Nana, will you _partake _in this feast of cocaine with me?'

'You...._eat _that stuff?' Nana stumbled a little bit and lost her left leg. I supposed that sorrow made it harder for her to control her prosthetics. She fell to the floor and started bawling again.

I dragged myself over and sat next to her. I gave her one baggie.

'Okay, here's what you do. You just _sniff _it, okay?'

'I...._sniff _it?'

'Yes, my dear. You _sniff _it.' I opened a baggie and looked in. The pristine white powder looked like freshly fallen snow. How I loved the poet inside me.

Nana hesitantly stuck her nose inside the bag.

In typical Nana fashion, she took the biggest snort this side of decrepit Columbian slums and immediately dropped the baggy, spilling coke everywhere.

I almost wailed, 'NOooooo....' As I crept hyper speed on all fours and attempted to vacuum up the wasted Yayo on the floor.

Nana's eyes took on the quality of an insane old hippy visionary. Her pupils dilated as her eye whites quickly became bloodshot. As quick as a flash, her missing leg flew toward her and _shoved _itself onto her stump with a violent sounding Katcha _click!_ Nana's hands flailed around in the air as she used her vectors to levitate herself. Pretty soon, she was floating stomach down in mid air. Her limbs were splayed in the fashion of waxy flexibility seen only in catatonic schizophrenics. She muttered things to herself as her invisible spider-like vectors stalked around the room, causing her to float around rather creepily in her wannabe splayed superman position.

I myself felt a _rush _of sensation as I took my last whiff of coke on the floor. I felt so...._alive! _I felt like I could take on a whole _army _of Lucys with one _finger._ I gave a whoop of joy and snorted some of the good stuff from my own baggie. Oh, lawdy! It was like taking a fucking rocket ship to mars, except being strapped on the _outside _of the rocket!

'This...this is fucking incredible!' I yelled like an incoherent old man.

Nana simply kept on floating around in circles. It might have been just me, but she was floating slightly faster than before.

I could smell everything, I could _see_ with eye of an eagle! I smelled the _sweat _coursing down the downed guard's necks as they slowly bled to death. I smelled the oh-so-kawaii strawberry perfume Nana slathered on. I _saw _the very weaving ofof Nana's school uniform, and I could _see _the pores of my skin as clearly as a cluster of acne scars. My _dick _was erect and tenting my soiled underwear. Oh, the fabric of my underwear was so _coarse!_ I cocked my head at an odd angle at Nana, who was flying around in circles at about sixty miles an hour. She was yelling something about _her _being the queen of all diclonius.

I wonder how Lucy would have reacted to that. I wonder if she would have appreciated my ability to break dance. I stabbed my elbow into my sides and did an air chair freeze on the guard that was already unconscious. I held it for two seconds, and then found myself _dancing _maniacally on the one that was still trying to crawl away. Nana had stopped spinning. She was simply floating in midair and clapping to the beat of my top rock. I took both my guns and unloaded _everything _on the meat pile that was used to be the chubby guy. I took the gun I stole from the nerdy researcher and attempted to make the bemused looking head on top of the pile explode. Only one bullet hit.

It was right about then that I realized that in my cocaine fuelled reverie, I had wasted _all _of our ammunition. Even Nana realized something was wrong, as she glared at me with (all) red eyes and asked in an almost indecipherable stream of words, 'Whydidyoudothat? Nowyouhavenothingtoshootwith. SeeI'.'

I turned to her with equally bloodshot eyes and shrugged, 'You can still protect me with your vectors, right?'

'Rightbutonlyifyourespectme.'

'What?'

'Nevermind.' Nana sat cross legged in midair. I was pleasantly surprised that cocaine actually _improved _her intelligence. I was expecting something along the lines of a mindless drooling retard high on sugar.

But then again, cocaine _was _a strong stimulant of the central nervous system. It might have screwed around with her neocortex somewhat.

'Can you speak a little slower?' I asked, my eyes darting around the place.

'Okay. Like. This?'

'Nah....just speak a _little _faster than that.'

'Like this?'

'Yeah.'

'Cool.' Nana bobbed up and down in midair, 'Last one to find Lucy is a rotten egg!'

And with that she floated away at approximately a sprinting speed.

Somehow, the obscene amount of cocaine ingested had improved my problem leg. I was able to do a relatively fast 5 kilometre run to keep up with her, but barely.

As I ran through the halls, my head lolled around like a bobble head while my tongue hung out and did its own thing. Spittle flew everywhere, and I was mildly aware that there was a _battalion _of security personnel waiting for us at the end of the hall.

I also noticed that there was a _maintenance _closet coming up in about three meters.

In my cocaine fuelled wisdom, I gave a piggish squeal, kicked down the door, and found the replacement weapons I was looking for. Two hammers.

It should be noted at this point that I was quite a fan of a particular movie called 'Oldboy', and there was a particular scene in that film involving a brutal melee fight with one man armed with one hammer. Needless to say, given my violent and neurotic nature, I was desperate for a chance to act out the scene. The need _burned _inside me for over a year until today. The day when the Hammer of Thor will crush the unworthy motherfuckers of this research dump to a pulp. I smiled a shitfaced grin, stumbled out of the closet, held out both hammers, and simultaneously flipped them all off with a magnificent double whammy. I looked over the Nana and said in the most manly voice I could muster, '_Cover me.'_

_She _said in the most manly tone she could muster, '_Roger _that.'

'Drop your weapons! Do it! Or else we'll be forced to shoot!'

I cocked my head sideways and said in a cracked voice, '_Fuck._ You.'

They opened fire at me, and none of them hit, thanks to the protective coating of Nana's vectors. I gave a high pitched battle cry and charged recklessly into the fray. Fortunately, Nana had the frame of mind to hover after me. After patting my pocket and making sure the coke was still there, I yelled, ' DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!? IT'S FUCKING HAMMERTIME BITCHES!!' With that declaration of heroism, I blindly swung my hammer and caught a guy square in the face. I spasmed and jittered uncontrollably as I giggled and bashed another guy's collar bone to powder. At this point, my sadism took over again. Every swing was calculated to either bash the guy's face in _or _to mangle it with the pliers. I caught one guy in the eye with the pliers, yanked his eyeballs out, and smashed his chin. I beat one guy's face repeatedly until it was a bloody mush and consequently got swarmed by ten of them. Nana pulled them off me.

I continued my attack. I was _delirious _with joy. None of the bullets were hitting me, and the idiots seemed to be _afraid _of coming near this cyclone of deadly hammers.

I did a figure eight pattern with my two iron invaders, did a dinky little spin, and nailed a guy in the stomach. In my drug induced haze, I saw Nana's head balloon to nearly two times its size- allowing me to detect the look of longing in her face for one of my hammers.

'Here!' I boomed in a baritone voice. I threw one hammer at Nana. She caught it with one of her vectors, nodded to me while spinning around her hideously bloodshot eyes. Giving out a squeal that would make a Korean pop star quit her job, Nana brought the gavel down on one guy's skull. It caved in like wet clay while spaghetti-like strands of brain slipped through the guy's nose.

One fool tried to blast off my head from behind, but he obviously _hadn't _learned about my god-mode at the moment. The .45 bullet fell on the floor with a severely dented nose. I gave the fool a trollface grin, tackled him to the ground, and proceeded to turn his face into a vat of Campbell's chunky tomato soup.

Nana looked like she was having quite a lot of fun venting out her demons. My hypothesis was correct- behind the happy-go-lucky mask, there was the soul of a killer.

Even though she still retained enough of her old self to not kill with her vectors, she killed with the hammer. And kill she did- most of her victims possessed ten or more open fractures with splintered and jagged pieces of bone sticking out of the wounds. A guy even had all five of ribs sticking out like a bad Halloween costume on one side. Bloody mist was spewing out of his mouth as he whinnied in the manner of a mare being raped.

There were approximately four guys left. They were cowering against the wall and pissing their pants.

The extent of damage the cocaine did to my nervous system was evident- like the four survivors, I had pissed myself yet again, my forearms were cramped in their entirety, and I had a hideous Charlie horse in my quadriceps.

'_Fufufufufufufu....'_ Nana trilled while she trembled uncontrollably, '_What _do we have _here?'_ She knelt down beside one of the trembling guards. This one had a prominent widows peak and a slight belly that was pooching out rebelliously in his mid-aged season of life.

Nana stroked his cheek and put her finger on his mouth, 'Shhhh....shhhh....shhhh....don't worry. I'll put on a strip show before you die....'

The guy gave a terrified hiccup.

I asked for my hammer back.

'Fuck _you.'_ Nana cradled the hammer to her chest, 'It's _my _hammer, _my _precious _hammer, and_ you can't fucking _have it.'_ And with that declaration of independence, she started to take off her clothes. I was too busy longing for my other hammer to be aroused by the scene.

'Ohhhh....the floor's.....so _cold....'_ She took off her bra and revealed two perky little breasts. They seemed to quip in a bright voice, '_How do you do?'_

'Eeeehhhhh....Richard....your hair....it's sooo...._shiny...._and....the blood....'

She squirmed around on the floor.

She looked like a kid with Down's Syndrome trying to make a snow angel. The wet blood on the floor was smeared all over her like body paint.

'Everything's sooo...._nice...._and.....the blood....it's sooo _slippery....'_ She gave a hackneyed giggle and did the Homer Simpson, causing the crimson patterns on the floor to become an obscure occult symbol.

_I _knelt down next to one of the guards and asked in the nicest voice possible, 'Can you _please _give me your gun? If you do, I _promise _I won't hurt you.' I showed him my awesomeface. He forked over the gun.

I did the same thing with the remaining three and stuffed all of the firearms in my underwear.

Of _course _I turned the safety on, dear reader.

One of the guards burst into tears. I didn't blame him.

Nana sat cross-legged in midair once again. Her dead stare flitted around the room for a bit before settling on me, 'We _are _going to find Mayu, right?'

'Erm.....isn't that what we were going to do in the _first _place?'

'Precisely, and when I find her, I'm going to fuck her silly.'

'Have fun then.'

'I will.' Nana did another creepy 360 Buddha spin, made several farting noises with her mouth, and then followed me into the deepest darkest reaches of the laboratory. I started to whistle an atonal tune that I, the musical genius, had made up on the spot. Nana started to sing along in an off key voice with her own made-up lyrics (most of which was gibberish). She even waved goodbye to the four remaining guards before setting herself on the ground and decapitating them.

The thought of interrogation pertaining to Lucy and co's whereabouts passed through my head once four headless bodies spewed out pressurized geysers of the good stuff.

* * *

Eventually, after five arm breakings and three deaths due to lack of cooperation, we finally ascertained with cocaine fuelled certainty, the whereabouts of Lucy and the rest of the gang. They were on the one hundred and eighth floor- more commonly known as the top of the building. Who woulda thought Nana and I were so unimportant that they stuck us on the twentieth? After that, it was: take a right, turn to the left at the appearance of a water cooler, and look for the word '_director'_ at an inconspicuous looking door at the end of the hallway.

The top atmosphere at the top of the building differed greatly from the lower floors. The lights were dimmed to a comfortable level ala a swanky hotel, the floor was covered in a carpet full of psychedelic floral designs, and the air smelled of paperwork, coffee, and professionalism. I liked the descriptions my mind came up with when I was under the grip of good old Yayo.

Nana had not bothered to put her clothes back on. On the way up, we had a rather enlightening conversation about her origins. It seemed that she operated as a lab rat of sorts in her early days, being the brunt of brutal experiments that usually ended up with her 'papa' coming in to reassure her everything was going to be alright.

When she spoke of her 'papa', which I imagined to be someone not too far removed from my nerdy captor, her eyes welled up with tears. Stockholm Syndrome much? In the meanwhile, it seemed like a good opportunity to grill her on her admittedly titillating relationship with Mayu, given her susceptible and apathetic state. Surprisingly, she gave a shrug and admitted she was attracted to girls ever since she figured out where her vagoo was, even going so far as to describe in rather explicit detail a sexual relationship she had with another diclonius known as 'number 03' while she was in captivity.

Huh. I would have thought her lesbianism stemmed from years of abuse at the hands of piggish lab researchers. While we stumbled around floor one hundred and eight trying to remember the detailed instructions a weeping guard with multiple fractures to his arm sputtered out, I found that I preferred the Nana's cocaine fuelled state to her 'normal' ditzy self. Her current personality was like Lucy's hateful deadpan sociopath archetype, except as I mentioned earlier, much more apathetic and docile.

I assumed that her desirable state was somewhere in the stages of tapering off the extreme high she experienced earlier.

As _my _coke high wore off, I began to experience hideous headaches that made my insomnia induced ones seem like playful gentle taps inside my head. I patted my pockets for the baggies and found only one. The other must have dropped out during the hammer confrontation.

I offered Nana some, but she declined.

I couldn't very well force her to take the admittedly deadly drug, so I inhaled what was left in the baggy. My headache instantly cleared up, and I was in god mode once again. I tossed aside the used piece of plastic and drew out a .45 from my underwear.

'_This._ This is _war.'_ I declared, while imagining myself as Napoleon.

Nana nodded in her endearingly sage manner while her vectors spun the hammer into a blur.

We _finally _found ourselves facing the director's door. There was no turning back now.

'Okay, are you ready?'

Nana nodded.

Yelling at the top of my lungs, I donkey kicked the door, imagined it falling down from my immense strength, but was instead propelled backwards when the hypothetically multiple locks did not budge.

I fell on my ass and set off one of the .45's. I thanked lady luck when it blasted a hole in the carpet as opposed to taking a chunk out of my buttocks.

Nana floated over in her Buddha-like position and _knocked _on the door.

Fuck, why didn't _I _think of that?

'Who's there?' Came a muffled voice from inside.

I summoned up my mustachio voice and boomed in a quasi-Italian accent, 'We're Hea! To Bring-a you da lab report-a, from-a Nana and Da Human.....a!'

'I don't recall scheduling for a report....' muffled the voice, 'But come in then! If it's information on the drone, I'd like to hear about it. The human doesn't matter.'

A group of locks simultaneously went '_Chunk chunk chunk chunk chunk'_ from behind my nemesis the door. I staggered up and fished the live .45 out of my underwear. The blackened hole in the carpet was still smoking. It was at that point that I realized that _shrapnel _from the pressurized bullet was buried in my juicy butt. My underwear was wet with blood.

I turned the doorknob and was greeted by a _most _demented sight.

A little girl in a wheel chair was sitting behind a great oaken desk doing some serious word processing on a black Mac. A cup of steaming liquid was set upon it, and various pictures of friends and family were littered about. There were three tanks lined up next to each other in the room. They were immense, technologically advanced and greebled things- connected with multitudes of wires in varying sizes to an enormous outlet in the wall. A steady hum accompanied the bubbling in the tanks. There was some kind of reddish liquid in them, and lo and behold, Lucy, Kouta, and Mayu floated around in them. Oxygen masks covered their mouths while slim wires of varying colours protruded out of their skins like expelled Guinea worms.

The little girl typed away on her spiffy Mac and suddenly noticed our mode of dress.

'_Why _are you in your underwear, mister? Are you aware that it violates all-

She caught sight of Nana, '_You....'_ She snarled under her breath, '_How _did you escape!?'

Nana gave a yell of surprise as _something _grabbed her by the neck and flung her against one of the plaster walls, creating a well-proportioned Nana imprint.

The invisible force continued to strangle Nana as the girl in the wheelchair shrieked while her face turned puce, 'How the _fuck _did you get out!? I had _top _security!! Now you and your _buddy_ are just going to FUCK things up!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUCK!!!' The girl seemed on the verge of having a brain aneurysm.

She took a deep breath, reached in her skirt, and pulled out a bottle filled with little pink pills.

Seroquel. Antipsychotics. Go figure.

She popped an obscene amount in her mouth and swallowed it with a bottle of Ethos water she yanked from under the desk. She panted, panted some more, and then finally let go of Nana and returned to her station behind the desk.

Her bloodshot eyes settled on us while her face started to do impossible contortions seemingly of its own accord. Clasping her hands together like a manager about to fire several employees, she grinned and said in a slightly unsteady voice, 'It seems like you two have smarts. I _like _that in my subjects. Now Nana, if you're IQ's slightly above seventy eight, can you tell who I am?' She took a large gulp of her volcanic coffee, slammed it down, and caused one of her picture frames to fall over.

Nana, in her cocaine enhanced wisdom, took offense to the comment, 'For your fucking information, my original IQ's _well _over one hundred and fifty- that bastard Kakuzawa just drugged me on such a regular basis, my brain got fried.' Nana jabbed her pointer finger at her temple, 'I'm probably smarter than you'll ever _hope _to be while this cocaine high still lasts, so why don't you just shut your bratty little mouth, dispose of your training diapers, and let our friends go?'

I almost felt the need to applaud. Everything she said was so pronounced and clear- kind of like an android newscaster. I was starting to like the bipolar little dunce.

Little red spots appeared on the girl's face as she shot out of her chair, 'I _don't _wear diapers, you motherfucker! They're _pull-ups!!_ So _what _if I piss my bed!? You probably pissed a fucking _river _ when Kakuzawa threw those fucking anvils at your head!' In a rather cartoonish movement, she swept everything off her desk, coffee included. Shame. She continued her rant, 'You know who I am!? I'll _tell _you who I fucking am!? I'm Mariko! President Mariko of this motherfucking _company!!_ I have _fifty two _ vectors positioned behind you two to eviscerate you in VERY CREATIVE WAYS!!' She emphasized the last three words by banging both of her fists on the desk. How mature.

Nana shrugged, ' I recognized you. I just wanted you to have a brain aneurysm before we get started.'

'Why....you....' The ten year old maniac huffed, panted, and popped another handful of Seroquel into her mouth. She fell back against her chair. Her eyes spun around wildly,' I'm going to keep you two to torture. I was originally planning for twenty minutes, but I'll settle for several hours. I have time.....' She pressed a button on her desk. I almost expected a trapdoor to open beneath us.

'Cancel my appointment with Mr. Gibson. I have _business _to attend to.'

She shut off the intercom and brushed a vector against my face. Delicious loli was not delicious. I did not want. Not at all.

Nana smirked, 'Then I guess I have no choice then.'

'What in _blazes _are you talking about!?' Mariko almost shrieked. A suggestion to take more of her medicine almost slipped off my tongue.

Mariko's head suddenly snapped back abruptly as if something had punched her on the forehead.

I stared at Nana in horror, 'What the _fuck _are you doing, you mediocre dunce!?' The 'My Immortal' reference rolled out in a disturbingly natural manner, 'You're just going to piss her off even _more! _Now she's going to tear us apart with invisible tentacles-

'Calm down, reader of bad fan fiction.' Nana almost drawled, 'I disabled her vectors. The little bitch's useless now.'

Mariko stared stunned at the ceiling for several moments before running her fingers frantically over her forehead, 'Whuh-what!? What the _fuck _did you do!? My vectors! My....my.....'

Her face strained, contorted, and bent in ways I never thought possible. It was as if she was trying to force out a huge shit. Surely enough however, we heard a loud farting noise. In her efforts to push out her invisible tentacles, she shat her pants. Thank goodness for her pull-up diapers. The very air stood still with a dangerous silence that lasted for about five seconds. Mariko's face turned red, purple, and finally puce. I expected her to do the octopus dance of the psychotic spoiled child, but instead, she burst into tears, and started to slam her head repeatedly against the desk. I burst out laughing uncontrollably.

'Damn. It's almost as if fate has a coprophagia or something.' I quipped in between heaves of laughter as I ran over to the tanks to free my damsel in distress. I pounded on the tank with Lucy in it and had a sudden realization.

She was naked. _My_ Lucy was nude. My eyes bulged out in a very perverted manner as I started to furtively rub my crotch. Nana caught sight of this, gave an exasperated sigh, and knocked me out of the way with her vectors. With a crisp slight of her invisible tentacles, she shattered the glass and caused waves of greenish sticky fluid to pour out on the floor and consequently all over on my prone body on the floor. Hey, at least I washed my underwear. I coughed out a good measure of the bitter goo and felt someone's bodyweight on me.

It was a nude Lucy, positioned just above my raging boner. I would have had a green goo tinged nosebleed if this were an anime.

Nana dragged Lucy off me as if she had X-ray vision. Kouta was the first to wake up. A fountain of green goo spewed forth from his mouth as he jerked and flailed about like a beached whale. The wires started to literally _shoot _out of his skin, as if his body were rejecting them. Little beads of blood oozed from the itchy looking puckered pinholes that covered his body.

The same happened with Mayu and Lucy's body. The sight of chickenpox appearing all over MY Lucy's marble-like skin was rather disconcerting. I almost wept at the defilement of such beauty.

Lucy woke up with no apparent vomiting. She spat out some of the green stuff and instinctively scratched at the little puckers in her skin, 'Where....the _fuck _am I?' She squinted at her environment.

Nana knelt next to Lucy, 'You okay?'

'Not really....' Lucy rubbed her head. Her body was still slimy with green goo, 'Let me guess, Kakuzawa's laboratory _again?'_

'_No.'_ Came a creepy voice from behind the desk, 'You're _not _in Kakuzawa's laboratory.' Mariko had apparently recovered from her bawling, and was slowly wheeling towards us, '_He's _dead. I supposed you still remember me?'

'You're....you're that little brat that knocked me out that night....' Lucy mused groggily, ' Let me make another educated guess- _you _took over his company? What a considerate thing for a little girl to do for her daddy. Were you _pining _for his death?'

'Daddy is of no consequence now.' Mariko said in an uncharacteristically calculated voice, 'I want you for your _genes, _Lucy. _I _want to be the new queen, and you and your troublesome little band broke out before I could even begin experimenting on you.' She looked directly at _me _with two predatory eyes. This was definitely _not _the same childish brat that greeted me and Nana, 'I should have killed all of you instead of keeping you alive as guinea pigs, but it doesn't really matter now....'

'What the fuck do you mean?' Nana snapped, 'I disabled your vectors, you can't do _shit.'_

I was pretty sure that all Diclonius had funny split personalities. I wondered what Lucy's silly side would be like. Maybe naive and over trusting like Nana? I drooled just thinking of the possibilities.

'No, I can't.' Mariko smirked in a rather disturbing way.

'Then _what _are you smiling for!?' I chipped in. I wanted to be part of this rather cheesy dialogue.

'You'll see.' Mariko chirped in a singsong voice, '

She fished out a little device from her skirt. I wondered in the back of my mind if she'd been hiding it in her diapers all this time. She dialled up a few buttons and smirked at me, 'Let's just say this is a little _pet _project of mine. I've worked real hard on it.'

An unobtrusive wooden door at the back of the room creaked open. Out of the shadows popped out a rather corpulent man dressed in an ill fitting red and blue striped shirt. His jeans were even worse, as they were tightened to the point of squeezing out the contours of his genitals. A strange and rather crudely made medallion fashioned after a hybrid of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu hung around his neck. He wasn't exactly bad looking, but the flabby jowls and greasy balding head sort of took away from his passable features. The most disturbing thing however, was his _smile._ It was a smile that told of a thousand mental disorders clumped into one physical container- an utterly _creepy _smile that foretold the perversions he would commit if he were alone with a twelve year old girl.

It took me a while to recognize the guy, but when I did, I almost guffawed.

The ugly thing standing in front of us was _Christian Weston Chandler- _the most famous man child on the internet famous for ripping off Sega and Nintendo in creating his own vapid comic series, 'Sonichu the Electric Hedgehog.'Sure, I had trolled the guy several times, but he had inexplicably disappeared in the January of 2010. I guessed the troll posing as him online had finally shoved him over the edge.

Apparently, I was misguided in my belief that he had become an hero.

Lucy curled her lip in disgust, '_Really _ Mariko? _That's _your secret weapon?'

'Ah, but I _am _her secret weapon.' Said Chris in his reedy and rather annoying voice, ' You see, she turned me into _super _Chris, in exchange for my services.'

Mariko kept on smiling. I wanted to throw something at her, 'What he means is, he agreed to be my sla-erm...._boyfriend_ in exchange for bionic implants.'

'That's right, Mariko my sweet.' Chris struck a heroic pose, 'This is the best job _ever!_ I'm gonna _marry _her next month, and-

'Do you even get _paid?'_ Nana asked in an acidic voice.

'Nooooo....but her being my sweetheart is good enough!' Chris pointed a finger in our general direction, 'If my dear Mariko wants you all to die, I'll gladly do it for her.' He looked at the ten year old for approval. Mariko's face briefly twisted into something that looked like complete and utter disgust, and then just as quickly morphed back into an incredibly fake smile, followed by a wink that was supposed to be sexy. It just looked incredibly awkward.

Lucy gave out a loud _ahem,_ and stood up on her feet with the help of her vectors. Her glistening nude body caught my attention once again as yet another pervy woody sprouted in my pants. This time however, Kouta took notice of this and frowned at me. As I was still reasonably high on cocaine, I gave him a toothy grin and the peace sign. Kouta face palmed himself and mouthed something along the lines of '_Fail....fucking fail...'_ I opened my mouth to say something, but my train of thought was interrupted by Lucy, ' Okay, _first of all,_ Mariko's fucking _ten._ _Why _are you treating her like someone your own age?'

'That's _none _of your business!!' Chris almost bawled, 'I've been searching for a sweetheart for-

'It doesn't matter _how _long you've been searching for a girlfriend, it still doesn't give you the right to _seduce _a ten year old! How old are you, _thirty?'_

'I'm twenty _eight.'_ Chris crossed him arms like a dejected little child, 'And for your information, she feels the same way about me, so that doesn't really count as being....as being a pedophile.'

'Oh, _yes it does.'_

Everyone's heads spun around at the sound of Mayu's voice. The sixteen year old was hugging herself and shivering, ' It doesn't matter _what _context it's in- even if it's _mental._ If you've even _touched _Mariko-

'WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE!!' I screamed at the top of my lungs, 'Just _who _are we fighting here!? Mariko made the decision to have an obese and ugly lolicon fuck-buddy, so it's her own fault! We should be beating the _shit _out of the loli and the pedo, but what are we _doing? _We're fucking having a philosophy of ethics debate! You _cuntwaffles!_ I'm going at this _alone!'_

With that grand declaration of war, I buried my face into the remainder of the cocaine and violently snorted the rest of the baggy.

In one word, I could describe my current condition.

Superman.

I gave a giant _whoop_ and yanked down my underwear, revealing my raging boner. All four girls' faces turned bright red while Kouta _double _face palmed himself.

'Isn't this fucking _peachy!? _I'm going with the nudist trend!' I picked up my hammer and went at Chris swinging and yelling. However, something was horribly wrong. The fat slob was simply standing there and _smiling._ He said with chilling clarity, 'Don't. Do. Drugs.'

I felt an immense weight bury itself in my stomach. I could have sworn a _refrigerator _was being slammed into my torso as I flew ten feet into the sky. I made a little inventory of the organs that were most likely shattered from the blow. Intestines were probably scrambled, my spleen was most likely gone, and my colon _could _have- _COULD _have been pushed down several notches, peeking out of my asshole like the shy puckered face of Gollum. Some ribs were definitely broken from the aftershocks of the fat bastard's punch, and....that was pretty much it. I crashed into the dry wall and made a blobby imprint of myself. I stayed there for a few seconds before literally peeling off my impression and falling down in a heap.

Kouta looked at me with a gaping mouth. I coughed up some blood and gave him the finger.

Lucy looked at me with a similar look on her face. I gathered up enough strength to wink at her lewdly.

I guess Mariko's bionic implants really did the trick. A blur of blue and red systematically disabled Nana and Lucy's invisible tentacles by caving in their foreheads. Nana was officially out for the count, as she started foaming at her mouth, had a little seizure, did a little dance, and fell into a lifeless lump.

Lucy staggered a little bit.

Chris had done a shoddy job on his second target. Maybe he lost momentum.

'It hurts....' Lucy moaned as she swayed from side to side like a charmed snake.

I tried to move, but as they say- the mind is willing, but the body is not. My mind was still that of Superman, but my body was Stephen Hawking's. Fuck me sideways.

Chris stood there panting like a pig in heat, 'Did....did I do _good_, my sweet?'

'Yes. You did wonderful.' I sniggered ever so gently out of fear of hurting my ribs. Mariko had briefly rolled her eyes after she said that. Chris clapped his hands and jumped up and down like a delighted retard seeing Barney the _Pink _Dinosaur. Until this moment, I never wanted to kill a man quite as much.

'Now, Finish her off, and _make it quick.'_ Mariko tapped her fingers impatiently on the oaken table. She seemed to notice the absence of her coffee. She pressed the intercom, 'Jerry, more coffee, if you please.' She adjusted the picture of her standing next to her daddy and gave us a crisp and professional smile in the vein of giving an employee an early promotion, 'It's been fun, but I'm afraid that I simply have no time to _fuck around.'_

'Speaking of _thaaat....'_ Chris swivelled around a tad too smoothly to face Mariko, 'Can we _pleeeeaaase _make hanky panky again tonight?'

If there was a god of empty, awkward, and utterly _deadly _silences, this would be it. Mariko's face was surprisingly blank, 'What are you talking about?'

Lucy stopped stumbling for a moment, 'Did you....did you just....imply....'

'I think he did....' Kouta got up slowly and dramatically.

I burst out laughing uncontrollably and spewed blood all over the place. At that point, I didn't really care about my ribs anymore. Splintering ribs or not, the picture of Chris doing the schizophrenic little loli was too much to handle. I was in excruciating pain as the stitches started to set in, but my cocaine rush kept me yakking my head off. After ten seconds more of laughing by myself, I gathered up enough cognition to say, 'Okay, let me get this straight....' I coughed out some more blood. I noticed it was a delicious shade of bright red, '_You...._you _fucked _him? I mean...._where _in the contract does it say you have to _fuck _him? Are you really _that _desperate? That's fucking _sad....'_

Mariko continued to look incredibly puzzled.

'I mean, COME ON! This is even more sordid than....than when Chris did his blow up doll and uploaded it! This is a new _low-_ a fat twenty eight year old in a consensual relationship with a ten year old? Both of you make me want to puke _and _laugh until my colon falls out!' I lost control and started to laugh again.

Mariko glanced at Chris, looking incredibly bemused, 'Whaaa....what are they talking about? Are they talking about that _wrestling _we did?'

'I....I didn't _mean tooooo_.' Chris crossed his arms behind his back and began to shuffle to and fro like a guilty schoolchild, 'I mean, you _enjoyed _it, riiiiight?'

'_Right...._but it _hurt _a little bit....in my lower parts....'

Lucy rubbed her forehead a little more before stepping into the center of the playing field, 'Just _hold on a minute!' _She stared at Mariko incredulously, 'Are you saying you don't know what he _did _to you?'

'Of _course _I know.' Mariko said impatiently, 'We played a wrestling game that Chris invented, and we had _lots of _fun.' She crossed her arms arrogantly, 'What, are you _jeeeeaaalous?'_

'He....did something very _bad _to you.' Lucy almost whispered.

'There's nothing _bad _about wrestling- like I said, all that happened was that it _hurt _a little bit, and then-

Kouta groaned in frustration, 'He had _sex _with you! Do you even know what a _penis _is!?'

Mariko thought for a moment and tried to recall the image of a cock, 'Erm....is it that _dangly _thing men have between their legs?' Kouta face palmed himself so hard that he gave himself a bloody nose.

'He did something _very bad _to you!' Lucy yelled exasperatingly, 'He touched you in a very bad way! You should be _mad _at him!'

Mariko frowned and faced Chris, ' Did you do a bad thing to me?'

'Hanky Panky isn't bad, it's just....it's just when a man and a woman _love _each other very much-

The pedophile didn't have much time to complete his explanation. He stopped in the middle of his rudimentary sex education class as a gristly crunch sounded at the back of his head. He grimaced a little as he tried to reach for the source of the sound. In doing his little struggle, he turned around to reveal a hammer buried into his skull.

Huh. I almost forgot about my little friend.

Somebody had hit the back of his head so hard with the claw side that the entire business portion of the hammer was wedged rather messily into the caved in remnants of his skill. Bits of viscera, brain, and skull were dripping lazily from the wound. I muttered under my breath, 'It's _definitely _hammertime....'

Superhuman cyborg or not, no one could survive a blow like that, and in concordance with my prediction, Chris Chan's limbs started to spasm and wave around like a demented break dancer doing a wacky top rock. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he fell unceremoniously on his face with a wet sounding _splat. _ Apparently it hadn't occurred to Mariko to implant him with a hardier head.

Mayu stood behind the corpse of Chris, panting and smiling maniacally in a fit of drunken rage. I never knew the girl had it in her. Perhaps pedophiliac rape was her berserk button.

Mariko's face turned ashen grey. She knew she had officially lost the battle.

Then, her face abruptly turned into a pout, devolved into a screwed up face with eyes brimming with tears, and then finally degenerated into the supersonic wail of a newborn baby.

Lucy drunkenly sidestepped several feet before asking in a slurred voice, 'Are you _done _now? Let us _go _already. What more could you possibly _want _from us?'

Mariko pooched out her lower lip and repeatedly slammed her intercom with comically splayed hands, 'SECURITY!!! SECUUURRRIIIITY!!!!'

'Oh, for Pete's sake....' Lucy stalked over with the best impression of stalking that she could muster up in her current state, and gave a very surprised Mariko's hand a hearty yank.

It came off from the elbow just like Nana's.

'Is it _mandatory _for all of you to have creepy prosthetics?' I wheezed.

'Just the ones stupid enough to fight me, Richard.... just the ones stupid enough to fight me.'

Mariko looked up at Lucy with a sort of pseudo reverence. Her mouth hung open stupidly as she absentmindedly waved her stump around.

'_Stop. _Ringing. The. Fucking. Intercom.' Lucy intonated like a stern school teacher, 'Let us out of here, or else I'm going to beat the living _shit _out of you.'

Mariko stared dumbfounded at Lucy for several moments before bursting out into laughter.

Lucy slapped Mariko with the prosthetic.

'You don't get it, _do you?_' Mariko giggled.

'_Noooo....'_ I mumbled from my little corner. I grinned, revealing bloodstained yellow teeth. I guess my teeth would be orange then. I rolled over like a dead bug and wheezed at the sky. It was getting pretty fucking cold inside the room, and it was all because of those goddamn air conditioners. I yelled something to Mariko about shutting off the air conditioners before rolling over to my side again and whimpering rather pathetically about my broken ribs.

Mariko completely ignored me, 'In about five minutes, my S.W.A.T team will be storming into this room to annihilate you all. Since you and Nana can't use your vectors, I'd say both of you are pretty much screwed.' Mariko smirked, 'Of course, you'll be taking a front seat to watching your friends die one by one. Now isn't _that _pleasant?' She took a dainty little sip of her coffee and looked at the antique clock on the wall, knocked slightly astray by my intrusion into the plaster, 'I say you've got a good four minutes to think of something to-

Without another word, Lucy lunged across the desk and grabbed Mariko by her collar. The ten year old evil genius only had time to utter a duck-like sound before being bodily pulled out of her wheelchair and over her oversized desk. Lucy held Mariko in a full nelson, 'So, have you ever heard of _human shields?_ I'm quite good with doing that.' The rabid little girl thrashed about like a wounded racoon stuck in a trash can, 'You- you _dirty _bitch!!' Mariko screeched, 'I'll make sure you all die slowly and horribly! I'll-

A wonderful idea suddenly popped into my head, and I decided to share it with everyone.

'Lucy! I've a _wonderful _idea!' I noticed my voice was several pitched higher than my normal voice.

Still holding Mariko in a submission, Lucy turned to me and rolled her eyes, 'Richard, just _keep still _for the moment! I'll get to your ribs _later!' _Mariko bit down on Lucy's forearm. She didn't even flinch. The hottie was made of stern stuff. I tried to do the Grinch smile and split my lips.

'Take....some....cocaine!!' I wheezed, 'It might...._help _with your vectors!!' There was still a little bit left in the bag. I was hoping that Lucy's sensitivity to the stuff would be quite high.

Lucy grimaced yet again as Mariko left yet another bloody bite mark on her arm. Her legs were flopping around uselessly like Joe in Family Guy. I wondered if Mariko jabbed forks into her thighs for fun.

'I've got no time for _drugs!' _Lucy yelled, 'Can't you see I'm kind of _busy _here!?'

'I _said....'_ I crawled over in an agonizing slither, 'It might...._huuuuueeelp _with the activaaaation of your vectooooorrrsss....' I could have sworn I breathed out a fine spray of bloody mist every time I dragged my words. I made an absurd mental note to get body armour the next time I went on epic misadventures such as this.

Lucy winced yet again. Her forearms were starting to look like a chew toy, 'Well, I guess anything that helps....' She dropped Mariko, who fell to the floor like a broken doll. She started to bawl her eyes out again while quoting Pulp Fiction. What a fucking psycho.

Lucy shuffled over with all the agility of a yuppie on Xanax, 'Alright....give me the bag....if this doesn't work, you've just wasted two precious minutes....' Snatching the baggie from me, she snorted the good stuff, shook her head once or twice, and suddenly stumbled backwards, '_Whoah....'_ She slurred as she turned her head to the ceiling, 'I can literally _feel _Nyu pressing against my subconscious....' Lucy's eyes were completely bloodshot. One of her eyes had turned completely red. Exploded blood vessels- it was a sign that she OD'd on that little bit of cocaine. I cheered with a strangled sounding yelp, 'Lucy! Try your vectors- blargh....' I rolled over onto my back yet again and did some dinky little bicycles with my legs.

I felt myself being gently picked up by Lucy's invisible tentacles. Similarly, she was doing the same thing with Mayu, Kouta, Nana, and....

'Why the _fuck _are you carrying Mariko!?' I squealed, 'She's just going to-

'Shut up.' Lucy said in a surprisingly even tone. I was rather disappointed. I expected her to have a bright and naive alternate persona. It was possible that the cocaine caused her to become even _more _clinical and detached than before. It was when she started talking that I realized that I was only partially right.

'Ladies and gentleman, fasten your seatbelts. Do not turn on any electronic devices until I fucking _say so,_ and there is absolutely no smoking permitted on this flight. We will be heading outside of this research facility at thirty miles an hour, cruising at about four hundred meters off the ground. Don't masturbate in the bathrooms or dispose of your condoms in the toilet. Refreshments will be served later on in the flight as soon as I embezzle shit from the catering company. Without further ado, let us begin this wonder-filled flight into oblivion and possibly several broken limbs.' Lucy looked at all of us one by one, 'Please fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a rough ride.'

With one well aimed sweep of her invisible tentacles, she shattered the entire window overlooking a rather nice view of the sea and sent powdered glass raining down upon us. It had crossed my mind to hold out my tongue and taste the fake fragments of sugar glass, but I knew better. The whole thing was so fucking _absurd, _it had to be true.

As if on cue, the door was kicked down by the S.W.A.T team Mariko had ordered.

The acceleration almost rivalled that of those one-shot drop towers in well-off amusement parks. Lucy had used her surplus vectors to push us out of the window and into the forest below. Mariko wailed and screeched, even spewing out, '_Blarf!'_ at one point in time. Kouta closed his eyes as if accepting becoming one with the cosmos, Mayu stared slack-jawed into space, and Nana was sitting in her lotus position once again. I felt like James Dean or something in his red convertible as the wind blew past my face. Just as I thought we were going to be mutilated by branches and sodomized by young trees, Lucy gently lowered us through the canopy of leaves, and decided to swing off a branch to add style to her escape. Unfortunately however, the added _chutzpah _to her Tarzan routine missed and caused all four of us to rain down upon the ground and subsequently to feast upon dirt and roots.

My body now resembled that of a ragdoll. I was surprised I still even had the strength to breathe.

Kouta grabbed his leg and did a passable impression of Peter from Family Guy. His foot was twisted at an odd angle. Welcome to my kingdom of pain, fellow b-tard.

Lucy herself had rammed face first into a tree, prompting a baritone voice in my head to chant, '_George, George, George of the Jungle....'_ Her naked body peeled off the gnarled surface and splattered onto the ground. She lay dazed and confused, looking at the sky with a bloody nose and painful looking reddish bark imprints all over her body. Miraculously, her boobs weren't flattened by the force. Maybe her invisible tentacles had something to do with that. Was she capable of groping herself? Maybe even possibly able to _masturbate _with those oh-so convenient tentacles? I drooled a little bit as I did my trademark dead bug roll to the side. I felt some blood drip on my face.

I looked up.

In her smooth scattering of her passengers, Lucy had accidentally dropped Mariko onto the spiked and jagged stump of a decapitated young tree. Now the little brat lay there wheezing and puking out her pizza stuff while doing a spastic little impression of the Homer Simpson. I grinned to myself. Nothing warmed my heart more than the bratty little instigator of our misery being Shish Kabob'ed. I rolled to my other side when I heard my ribs crackling in complaint.

Nana had Mayu on her shoulders. Apparently her cocaine high was still going. If it were old Nana, I'd warrant she'd _land _on top of Mayu and spend another hour looking for her.

Lucy suddenly did a Kip-up and cocked her head both ways like a wild animal, 'Well, landing gears are down, it's time to get into da choppa.' She said in a perfectly even tone. I wanted to step on Kouta's face for introducing her to Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

'Are you _sure _there's a chopper around here?' I asked in a small voice. I heard the clamouring of the S.W.A.T team above us. I hoped they didn't have any scaling equipment.

'This used to be the institute Kakuzawa kept me in.' Lucy said flatly, 'Of _course _I know where the _choppa _is. Come with me if you want to live.' And with that idiotic phrase, I felt something invisible wrap around my waist. After securing the protagonists in her grip, she suddenly caught sight of her lost luggage.

She looked at Mariko for a moment before shrugging, 'I _told _you to fasten your seatbelt.'

Mariko spat out another measure of gooey pizza stuff before dying.

'Aww-right then, let's GOOOOOO!!' Lucy whooped uncharacteristically before hovering through the jungle while carrying her passengers in a very uneven manner.

Kouta was being dragged on his ass, I was being towed across the rough ground like a sack of garbage, and Nana and Mayu were floating just a few inches off the ground.

Lucy was losing strength. Not good. Every once in a while she would absent-mindedly let go of me, prompting me to scream (much to the detriment of my ribs) for her to come back. She dropped Kouta once or twice, but her crowning moment of glory was when she dragged him through several bushes of thistles. Kouta looked like a Harlequin baby by the time we were out of the forest. I heard no signs of the S.W.A.T. team following us. Perhaps they were waiting for us right at the helicopter.

And by golly, I was right. Spitting up mouthfuls of dirt and beetles, I gave the battalion of soldiers a shitfaced grin before cradling my powdered ribs while pissing and moaning about how I was going to sue Lucy for manhandling me. Lucy muttered a string of incoherent curses and spat at the guards, 'Don't you know your employer's _dead?'_

'Freeze! Get down on the ground!' Yelled the captain of the S.W.A.T team, 'Put your hands where I can see them!'

Lucy rolled her eyes and dropped us all on the helicopter landing pad in a rather undignified manner.

'I _said_ Mariko's _dead! _Don't you guys get it?'

The captain paused for a moment, '_Excuse _me? If the mistress if _dead, _why don't you _prove _it?'

'Mistress?' Kouta asked rhetorically.

'That's what the boss wants us to call her.' Piped up one of the grunts.

'Oh, for _fuck's sake!'_ Lucy jabbed a finger in the direction of the forest, 'You see, she had a little _accident _jumping out the window with us, and if you look in the vicinity near the north end of the building, you'll find the her stuck on a _stump._'

The captain didn't lower his weapon, 'There's no _way _we're going to fall for that. Prepare to-

'It wouldn't hurt if you sent several men to search for her. I'm serious. She's _dead.'_ Lucy said. Her cocaine high appeared to be wearing off. She wasn't speaking in garbled colourful sentences anymore.

The captain narrowed his eyes, paused for a moment to think, and then called for two of his men to search the vicinity, 'I don't know how you think this is going to _change _anything.' The captain said as-a-matter-of-factly, 'Even if the mistress is dead, there's someone poised to take over her position, and we're getting our pay one way or the other.'

'Oh _really?'_ A goofy looking grin spread over Lucy's face. I was a little creeped out, 'I thought you guys would be happy over her dying- you know, steal the company funds, out from under her dominating thumb....'

'It doesn't work that way, missy.' The moustachioed captain growled, ' We _just happen _to be financed by the Yakuza, and if we were to do that, we'd have our balls handed to us in a paper cup.'

'Mariko's with the Yakuza?' Nana asked with mild surprise, 'Is she _controlling _them or-

'Nah, the Yakuza seized control of the Diclonius operation right after Kakuzawa croaked. He had some flimsy connections with them during his tenure, but....what can I say? The old man's a fool. The Yakuza probably planned his death once they heard of a readily made line of super soldiers waiting in the annals of this research facility.' He shrugged, 'They just used Mariko as a figurehead- the kid's a _monster, _I tell you. She survived a C4 going off right in front of her face, _and _regenerated all her missing skin, muscle, and organ tissues within several months. I highly doubt falling on a tree's going to do too much to her.'

'So I'm guessing they use her for demonstrative executions and things of that nature?' Lucy had officially returned to her cold and aloof old self.

'Precisely. But beyond that, the mistress is a useless little bitch. She needs help wiping her own _ass _for chrissake. I don't even know _why _I'm still calling her mistress right now....that little shit has humiliated me so many times-

Nothing could really surprise me at this point, not even the captain's ribcage departing messily from his torso and leaving it a floppy empty vessel of meat. This head wavered to and fro for a moment like a misguided Muppet before settling down on the mound of intestines that were starting to spurt endless amounts of black feces. His ribcage floated in the air like some kind of gruesome hunting trophy.

Mariko limped onto the scene with the help of her vectors. A gristly gaping wound was embedded in her stomach, but strange little webs of viscera were starting to writhe and interact with each other of their own accord, as if trying to repair the bloody hole. She held the heads of the two scouts that went to find her, 'Did you guys miss me?' She quipped as she dropped the ribcage on _me. _Luckily, it bounced off my throbbing head and landed about three feet away from me.

Lucy growled under her breath and sent her invisible tentacles flying towards Mariko. Nana followed suit, but the little girl was far too fast. I would later find out that whenever Mariko was suitably enraged, the number of her tentacles numbered up to fifty, in stark contrast to Lucy's meagre eight and Nana's even more pitiable four.  
Mariko smirked, 'Na-a-a. You didn't say the magic word.' She waggled her finger at Lucy and Nana, 'The magic word is SORRY!!' She screeched as she tried to punch Lucy and Nana in their foreheads.

Poor Nana didn't evade in time, and subsequently had her invisible tentacles disabled.

Lucy however, had learned her lesson. She gracefully did a back layout to dodge Mariko's attack, and chained it together with a bewildering gymnastic tumbling sequence that culminated in her doing a full out over Mariko's head and attempting to disable the little monster's vectors from her upside-down angle. However, Lucy's valiant attempt at an attack was in vain, as Mariko's anticipatory parry deflected the incoming punch and caused to Lucy to become wide open.

Mariko decided for a little bit of overkill this time. Even I thought it was a going a little too far.

I saw the outline of a fist's underside manifest itself in Lucy's stomach and the grotesque stretching of her special place.

I guess Lucy won't be having babies anymore. I wondered if my penis still worked.

With a wet sounding croak, Lucy fell down weightlessly on the dirt, clutching her genitals and coughing up blood.

Kouta suddenly stood up and faced Mariko. He had been hiding the whole time. I guess the chicken shit had finally decided to man up. I _would _have manned up, but the only thing I could _really _do was crawl along like a pathetic little worm....

But wait.

I saw a sheathed hunting knife hanging askew on the leg half of the captain. The fucking guy must have been some kind of Rambo wannabe. As luck would have it, it was only five feet away. Could I make it?

Mariko started to do her usual villain ramble, 'Feh! _Now _her boyfriend stands up for her! I've already cunt-punted your little bitch, I don't even think she can count as a woman anymore!'

Kouta clenched his fists, 'Don't....you fucking _touch _her anymore.'

'Oh?' Mariko raised an eyebrow, 'And what if I do? You'll _kill me?_ A poor, innocent ten year old with a _hole _in her stomach?' She spat on the ground, 'Don't think I'll kill you quickly, human- over the years, I've learned that drawing out your victims' suffering for as long as fucking _possibly _is a very fun game. It's quite unfortunate that that tall idiot had to die so suddenly- I would have taken out his eyes and put his testicles in them.....

She thought I was dead. SHE FUCKING THOUGHT I WAS DEAD! I almost let out an elated whoop of joy, but I focused my efforts on obtaining the hunting knife as unobtrusively as possible. Just three feet to go. I felt the last of my ribs give in. I could have sworn my lungs were punctured.

Kouta muttered, 'You don't know the power of the Long Cat.'

'Say what?' Mariko paused in her super-villain speech. She looked genuinely puzzled.

I grabbed hold of the knife and held it close to my chest. Now it was just a matter of crawling over to Mariko's feet and cutting her Achilles tendon. The pain would probably give all of us enough time to get the fuck out of the freakish research facility.

Kouta said a little louder, 'YOU DON'T KNOW....THE POWER OF THE LONGCAT!!'

Mariko's face contorted into a mask of complete and utter puzzlement, 'What the _fuck _are you talking about? I swear, if you're just trying to bide time, it's use-

'Longcat....I call upon your powers....rise forth from the abyss....and grant us the strength to suffocate the false ones....' Kouta closed his eyes and started to do strange symbolic things with his hands. I focused on my mission to get to annoying Loli's ankles. She was wearing bobby socks- _that _made me mad, it was one thing for her to be evil and all, but to have no fashion sense? That was _it._

Mariko frowned a bit, opened her mouth to say something, and then finally chuckled, 'Is _this _your last resort? Summoning a creature from your imagination to somehow induce a Deus Ex Machina ending? Pathetic! Prepare to _die!'_

I slit her Achilles tendon. Dark blood sprayed at my face in a jet.

Mariko gave out a frightening shriek of pain, and started to bawl again. This time for her mommy. The tiniest _inkling _of pity surfaced in me, but was immediately diffused when she started to pepper her maternal summons with various exotic curses.

Kouta nodded at me sagely and continued his fucking _stupid _summoning. I really wanted to crawl over and slit _his _ankle.

'Kouta!! What the _fuck _are you doing!?' I wheezed, 'Gather everyone up and get in the fucking _choppa!'_

My current frame of mind did not take into account the waiting S.W.A.T team standing right next to our beloved _choppa. _The world was finally beginning to pulse in the over-saturated colours of a fifties sitcom. I let a shit-faced grin spread over my features before blacking out for a minute.

I snapped back into consciousness and noticed that the clouds had started to turn black. Kouta was busy dancing around and yelling for his _Long Cat _to come down. I smiled yet again and relapsed into my comforting darkness for another few seconds. I liked rain. Rain was good for washing away all the guck on my face.

I opened my eyes and saw _lightning _streak across the sky. Mariko was still screeching for maternal love, and the S.W.A.T team was standing there like a Special Education class without a teacher. Then from out the clouds rose a darkened _shape._ I couldn't make out the texture at first, but as the lightning illuminated it, I could tell that it was _fur._ It was fucking fur. I couldn't believe my eyes. A meme was manifesting itself into reality in some bizarre metaphysical twist of fate.

Everyone literally stopped _everything _they were doing to witness the glory that was _Long Cat._

I could safely say at that point that _everyone _had the same look on their faces- dumbfounded, open mouthed, and drooling a little bit at the chin. Rain started to pour as the winds suddenly morphed into a ferocious whistling gale. The cat's immense body extended into the heavens and glowed with a blinding intensity. The feline's face was barely visible as the rapturous shroud of light almost consumed it in its intensity. Two paws shook and trembled with rage as it prepared to let out its battle cry.

I could have sworn Kouta's starry eyed gaze had tears to complete it, but it could have been just rain.

A resounding _meow_ of a billion content cats was issued forth from the god-like feline's mouth. Suddenly, it lowered its head a bit and trained its mighty gaze on us mere mortals. The skies seemed to distort as Long Cat's long body stretched in anticipation of a belly rub.

In an echoing voice, it thundered, 'WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, KOUTA?'

Kouta confirmed my theory of his crying by wiping away at his eyes, 'Long Cat, my master....how good it is of you to grace us with your presence-

'SILENCE!!' Thundered the cat god, ' YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME FOR THE THIRD TIME, PUNY HUMAN- MUST I ALWAYS DEPART FROM MY REALM OF ETERNAL GLORY TO DO YOUR BIDDING? A THOUSAND POUNDS OF CATNIP IS INSUFFICIENT FOR A THIRD SUMMONING!!'

'So...that's where all our funds went....' Lucy gasped in a small voice.

'B-b-but....we're in a little bit of bind here....and.... and I was wondering if you could huh-help us....'

'SHUT UP!!' The very earth seemed to quiver under his mighty voice, 'THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL HELP YOU....ONLY YOUR PUNY CIRCLE PREVENTS ME FROM ROASTING YOU....BAH!!'

Now I knew what Kouta was doing the whole time Lucy was being tossed around. He was drawing a circle rife with obscure occult symbols in the dirt. The crafty bastard.

Mariko suddenly stomped her good foot on the ground, 'I will _not _lose this!! Not even to a _cat _in the sky! What the _fuck _are you going to do!? Throw _fish _at me!?' She gave Long Cat a double bird, 'I say, _fuck you!!_ I have fifty vectors, and I'm going to _TEAR YOU APART!!'_ Mariko let loose her invisible tentacles at Long Cat. The effects manifested themselves as barely noticeable ripples in his fur.

'ARE YOU DONE?' drawled Long Cat, 'MY TURN.'

Mariko disappeared.

There was a long awkward silence before Long Cat sighed and said, 'I TURNED HER INTO A FISH.'

Indeed, there was a pathetic little carp flopping about on the dirt, still swearing with the best of them in helium filled voice. Long Cat sent a tiny bolt of lightning at the carp and roasted it black.

The S.W.A.T team looked at their mistress, and then looked at Long Cat. Finally figuring out the equation, they scattered and in random directions.

'THERE. I HAVE HELPED YOU. ANYTHING ELSE BEFORE I LEAVE YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE B-TARD BODY TO ROT IN THIS MORTAL WORLD?'

Kouta stammered, 'C-c-could you _possibly _transport us tuh-to a hospital....and....and....

'AAAAAND? I DON'T WANT TO GET SUMMONED AGAIN. IT IS PAINFUL TRAVELLING FROM DIMENSION TO DIMENSION....'

'Can you please....._nuke _this place?' Whispered Lucy.

'SPEAK UP, MORTAL.'

'Erm....Lucy's asking if you can....destroy the research laboratory....' Realizing the cost of life it would entail, a look of horror crept across Kouta's face, 'B-b-but we _can't _Lucy- we'll _kill _innocent people...'

'JUST DO IT!!!' Lucy screamed at the cat god.

The deity's shoulders shifted upwards a little bit, as if shrugging, 'AS YOU WISH.....NEVER SUMMON ME AGAIN.....'

'Wait!! WAIT!!!' Kouta screamed desperately at the sky, 'Don't go! She didn't mean that! She didn't meeeaaan that!!!'

Long Cat ignored him and raised one paw.

A blinding flash of white light followed by intense heat engulfed me, and then it all went black.

I woke up in the hospital and found that my entire body was casted. Even my face was heavily bandaged. I could have sworn they put some sort of wrapping around my penis too. Fortunately though, they left my mouth free so that I could yell degrading remarks at the fat Hispanic under paid nurses that pulled stuff out of my ass. Trailing the nurses were Mayu and Nana, who both bore bouquets of flowers in their arms. Mayu awkwardly placed the flowers at the side of my bed and blushed madly. I guess you couldn't really look at a person the same way again when they've found out you stack yourself all the way to a c-cup. When she was naked, her tits were barely visible in stark contrast to her substantial chest size back when I caught her making out with Nana at Kaede house. Nana said, 'Erm....I'm sorry it had to turn out this way, Richard....but erm....I _guess _we're safe now.'

I wanted to say something acidic and bitter in response to that question, but I swallowed what was left of my pride and asked, 'Where's Lucy?'

'Oh. She's in the bed next to you. I can roll back the curtains if you'd like.'

Before I could protest, Nana drew back the curtains separating our beds. Lucy had bandages swathed all around her crotch and booboo band-aids stuck all over her body. I could literally hear the drip of the I.V. as we stared at each other. Lucy suddenly broke out in a mean spirited grin, 'Avant-garde fashion?'

'Shut....the _fuck _up....' I moaned, 'Don't forget, _I _saved you.'

'I did _too!'_ Nana held one hand up like an eager kindergartener. My hands were absent for face palming at the moment.

'Well...._thanks.'_ I noted genuine gratitude in her voice.

'Anytime.' I tried to wiggle my body, and heard something break.

'_FUCK!!' _I wheezed.

Lucy sniggered, 'You're _quite _the character Richard.'

'Tell me about it.....' I suddenly remembered Long Cat.

'Lucy....what _really _saved us?'

'Long Cat.' Came a voice behind the curtain on Lucy's right side. Nana dutifully toddled over and pulled it back, revealing Kouta with only a mere leg cast.

'You can't be _serious.'_

Lucy rolled her eyes, 'Kouta, you _never _cease to amaze me. Tell him the story.'

'I erm....summoned him from an old grimoire I bought online.'

'You _what?'_

'It was on discount, so I figured, what the hell....'

'Two thousand yen isn't exactly a discount....' muttered Lucy.

'Yeah....and um....all it took was a pint of blood....a little bit of drawing....'

'You messed up my room.' Mayu said in an unobtrusive tiny voice.

'Sorry 'bout that. You're room's kinda plain....perfect for that sort of stuff....anyways....the first time, I thought it was all hocus pocus, but....I _kind of _believed in that supernatural stuff, you know- like the documentaries on the Discovery Channel....

'Now that he mentions it....' Lucy looked at the ceiling, 'I heard _meowing _noises in Mayu's room last year when he was fiddling around in there. I thought I was just dreaming.'

'Yeah....and the first time I summoned him, he went into my _head. _I thought I was hearing things, but the whole room started to smell like rotting tuna fish....he demanded a thousand pounds of catnip....'

'And then you dug into our account and helped yourself.' Lucy almost hissed.

'Yeah....but it _did _save our lives in the end, right?' Kouta was now in full-on hyperspeed nerd yammering mode. He sounded like Quentin Tarantino in a heated interview.

'I guess you're right.' Lucy said dejectedly. She opened her mouth to say something else, but closed it.

'This....this is fucking _ridiculous....'_ Oh, how I missed my spastic hand gestures, 'First, pink haired mutants....then a bad re-enactment of Die Hard, and now a _cat gods? _Boy, when I get out of his fucking thing, I'm going to publish a _novel _on this.'

Lucy rolled her eyes, 'Good luck with that. That doctor said the only working part of your body at the moment is your motor mouth. He even said your _penis _sustained damage, though I don't really know where that comes from.'

'Case in point, How's your vagoo?' My good old motor mouth. So great for ruining a conversation.

'It's umm....' Lucy signalled with her finger to give her a moment, 'Yeah. It still works, and my reproductive organs are intact. Miraculously.'

'Oh. I see. So there's still hope?'

'Still hope for _what?'_

'Of you having babies with me?' I _was _going to say Kouta, but somehow my idiotic subconscious decided to do a devious little ad-lib and replaced it with _me._ Fuck my life.

Lucy's face turned a bright red, 'Don't...._push _it human....you may have saved my life....but you are _not _going to _touch _me....'

'Yeah.' Kouta piped up, '_I'm _the only one who gets to have sex with her.'

'Lucky you. What's her size?'

Lucy literally growled, 'If you don't _shut your fucking pie hole, _I swear, when I get out of this bed-

'Calm down, everyone! Sheesh....' Mayu wrung her hands, ' We're going to be together for another two months, so can't we at _least _get along?'

'We _are _getting along.' Lucy said through gritted teeth, 'But this _asshole _is so insufferable-

'I am contrite.' I said in a mock eloquent voice.

Lucy glared at me with a '_are you kidding me' _look.

Kouta face palmed himself.

Awkward silence number...._ten _I believe? It fell upon the room like a thick comforter.

An abrupt thought hit me. Yuka. Nobody in the room showed _one trace _of despair over the girl's death. It wouldn't have surprised me if she hadn't existed in the first place and merely manifested herself as my superego, lifting an insipid trope straight out of Fight Club. Oh dear....my life was starting to read like a bad crack fic. I decided to pop the question. My curiosity was too great. Fuck social etiquette and insensitivity, dammit- I wanted _answers!_

'So, guys....what about Yuka's funeral?'

Mayu's eyes glazed over. Nana put a hand over her mouth. Lucy slapped her forehead, effectively disconnecting the I.V. needle from her forearm.

Kouta asked innocently, 'Who's Yuka?'

'Tell him.' Lucy said offhandedly as she stuck the needle back into her arm.

Mayu leaned in close to my ear, ' We've....arranged for the psychiatric section of the hospital to erm....hypnotize him....Lucy assumed that it would be far too traumatic for him....you know, his family death toll up to _three _now?'

'Oooooohhhh.....' I tried to nod my head like an obedient schoolchild, but succeeded only in eliciting more cracks in my damaged vertebrae.

'So....don't mention it again, okay? The doctors said the memory _could _be triggered easily during the first few weeks....'

'We've got to take him to regular sessions every week too....' Lucy murmured.

'What sessions? The sessions for my scratched cornea?'

'Yeah....those....' Lucy said delicately.

'Damn. Those sessions always make me feel so sleepy....'

'I would imagine.' She quipped.

Somehow, I had the feeling that Lucy arranged for the removal of Kouta's memories of Yuka for reasons _other _than simply wanting his psychological stability. From what I gathered at the short time I was at the Kaede house, there was considerable tension between them- possibly competition for Kouta's love? Damned If I know- cousin on cousin's simply _okay _in my books, but it was still a little creepy, considering the utterly _intense _lustful glances Yuka kept shooting Kouta at the dinner table and the subsequent murderous glances from Lucy. I mentally applauded Lucy for her theoretically devious deed. Bravo, ice queen, bravo.

I winked at Lucy.

To my surprise, she winked back.

_Now _we're on the same wavelength.

I noticed there was a T.V. perched on the corner of the ceiling.

The remote was right next to Lucy.

'Erm....why don't we watch a little bit of T.V., just to get the mind off things....'

'Good idea.' Lucy snatched the remote with her good hand and flicked it on.

'_And in today's news, is god a cat? Citizens on the coast of Japan claim to have witnessed a blurred deity in the sky. According to all who witnessed the spectacle, it looked a lot like an elongated cat. This peculiar happening was followed by a lightning bolt striking a condom manufacturing plant called Kakuzawa and co. The seemingly divine intervention culminated in a strange chain reaction in which the plant seemingly exploded on contact with the lightning bolt instead of being set on fire. Very curious, Diane, very curious. What's your take on it?_

_Well, Tom- I'd have to say-_

Lucy switched the channels and landed on Cartoon Network, which was currently televising an anime marathon.

'Yay! Anime!!' Nana chirped happily.

Lucy looked at Kouta for approval.

'Animu is good.' He murmured.

And with that, she set down the remote control and subjected us to approximately ten hours of anime.

It's a cruel, cruel cruel summer....

THE END

Author's note: Apart from the cheap Deus Ex Machina ending, that wasn't so bad, was it? Honestly, how would _you _have gotten your characters out of a pickle like that, huh? Case in point, I have a horrible habit of placing my characters in impossible perils, causing me to wrack my brain for a way to rescue them. Honestly- I thought about _everything-_ from a surprise rescue by Bando to Lucy melting herself in the process of using her full power. In the end, I decided to go with the crack fic tone of the story and put a little b-tard pizzazz in there- any other way would have been a little too serious. Anyways, please read review.


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